Blinded by Grief
by yakori
Summary: *chapter 7 added* Some things in life are almost impossible to comprehend. Love being one of them. Yamato struggles with a love that he shouldn't have, and tries desperately to figure out his feelings. Warning: Angst, Suicidal thoughts, Wrist Slashing,'Co
1.

Disclaimer: I dun own digimon or anything in it. I just steal the characters for a while and make them do my bidding :D. I also did not write or own the song 'Yellow'. That was Coldplay. I just felt it would be appropriate to put into this story.  
  
This chapter came out a little differently then I intended it to. ::shrugs:: heh, that's okay, I've been experimenting...  
This should take place somewhere in season 2 or a bit after. You can decide for yourself.  
  
Warning: This one's got adult content in it, like colorful four letter words, depressive situations, and scenarios which probably shouldn't be viewed by people under 13. There's Taito too. ^_^  
  
  
::enjoy!::  
  
***  
  
Look at the stars  
Look how they shine for you  
And everything you do  
Yeah, they were all yellow  
  
  
  
A steady dripping noise pollutes the dimly lit bathroom walls while a average sized figure remains hunched over the lavatory sink. Blue eyes stare down at their hand's work and examine the silvery weapon that glints before them. My breathing's becoming quick and anxious; just like the rest of my body.   
  
She's never going to understand me...  
  
The wrists that are displayed before me are pale with incisions from past experiences. Streams of blood have already begun to flow from their openings, and freely dropping into the basin. I run the cool water over the wounds and rub them gingerly.  
  
I hastily seize a paper towel from the dispenser and press it up against my skin, allowing a sensation of pain to surge throughout my veins. Such a burst of adrenaline; it was almost impossible not to become completely addicted.  
  
I let the clear liquid stream over the stained razor then flip the blade back and stick it in my uniform pocket. Delicately, I place the rim of my shirt back over the sliced flesh, in attempts to hide the cuts. With that, I take one final look in the mirror, and leave.  
  
Passing through the eerie hallways, I stare at the banners and posters that contaminated the corridors. School pride, or whatever they liked to call it. I say it was just bullshit to make it seem like the building was a content place where kids would love to go hang out, even if they weren't being forced to go there five times a week. Nobody believes a word of it though, just the parents. Then again, I guess that's what they want. Personally, it makes me sick to see this huge blow up pictures of animal mascots doing slam-dunks, wearing jerseys with the schools colours.   
  
Finally, after reaching a door with chipped blue paint, I feel my hand reach out to turn the doorknob. I walk in, only to begin being mocked by the world's most prehistoric science teacher.  
  
"Welcome, M. Ishida. It's nice to see that you've decided to join us... I thought I might have to go and teach another class without you."  
  
I give a reluctant smile to please him, then sit down in my desk. The rest of the people around me snicker in unison, while our instructor stares down at me, like a cat would if someone simply handed them a mouse.  
  
I swear; his only goal is probably to see how many times he could humiliate me in a year. The bastard.  
  
He'd suspended me more times then I could count; hell, all the teachers had, though I made it a point to only show about half of them to dad. There was enough stress in his life without having to worry about whether or not I was out arguing with teachers. Fucking cigarettes made it impossible for him to function properly anymore...  
  
Having nothing else to do but watch the dust settle; I slump onto my desk and slip into a vacant dream state for the rest of the lesson.  
  
***  
  
I came along  
I wrote a song for you  
And all the things you do  
And it was called yellow  
  
  
  
"Hey, Matt!" I call, throwing my backpack over my shoulder and sprinting after him, "Wait up!"  
  
The crowd is like a big swarm of green, everyone's uniforms blending together. Trying to find someone in it was more complicated then you might think, seeing as it was hopeless to tell the people apart. It seemed as if all the occupants of the building filed out together; a mob of students all wanting to get home and enjoy the afternoon.  
  
"Yamato!" I yell again, this time trying harder to push through the crowded grounds to where he stood. He turns his head over in my direction, then stares bluntly at me with lost eyes.  
  
They had been like that for a while now. His eyes; he always seemed so distant; like there was no point to doing anything. He didn't want to talk to anybody, or listen what we had to say. At first the others and I tried doing things to cheer him up, but in the end- nothing worked. If we had known what the problem was, maybe we could have helped, but now- he was just too far gone. T.K. couldn't understand what had happened; none of us could. We'd just have to try and live without his sarcastic remarks, his idiotic grin, or the cocky attitude we had all grown accustomed to.   
  
"Hey, Tai..." He says slowly, leaning on the ledge of the tall stone fence, "What's up?"  
  
"Nothing." I reply casually, "And you?"  
  
"The same."  
  
"Look," I start, "I was thinking of going to a movie, tomorrow with Sora; if you're interested in coming, you'd be welcome-"  
  
"Three's a crowd." He cuts me off. "And I don't want to be the third wheel."  
  
"Oh yeah..." I say, "You've got band practice tomorrow, right?"  
  
He pauses. "That too."  
  
"Okay." I say candidly, trying to push my backpack onto my shoulder after it starts slipping again, "Well, I've gotta go. Sora's waiting for me and I probably shouldn't keep her waiting. See you later, alright?"  
  
He stops again, as if staring at the wall behind me. "Yeah. Bye." He says finally, his eyes focusing back on me.  
  
I give my bag a final tug, then turn around and race up the block and past the park, feeling frustrated.  
  
Talking to him was almost insufferable... You never had any idea what he was thinking. One minute you think you have him almost figured out, and then the next he does something that surprises you again.  
  
***  
  
So then I took my turn  
Oh what a thing to have done  
And it was all yellow  
  
  
  
I snatch my books irritably then begin walking home.  
  
Why did he think he always had to babysat me?? I'm just fine on my own! I had learnt that so many years before, and yet they all keep persisting. Tai the most. T.K. too. I guess I couldn't blame them; I have been drifting away lately.   
  
Gomen,T.K.,Gomen. It's nothing that you have to get involved in…  
  
The band?? I hadn't been to a practice in ages… The others had probably already found someone else to fill in my position. I guess I would miss it a bit, but I had other things on my mind at the moment.  
As far as I was concerned, the word 'digidestined' no longer meant anything to me. I was no longer at part of that group. The rest of the kids; They've got lives to live, maybe they'll eventually leave me alone so that I can be alone deal with mine...  
  
"Konichiwa, Oyaji!" I yell, upon entering the apartment. "How was your day??"  
I hurry over to his bed room and open the door. He's sitting in his bed, perched up on the pillows with an exhausted expression on his face. He doesn't answer. Just continues staring at the speckled wall.  
  
"Good, I hope." I continue, dropping my shoulder bag to the ground and heading to the kitchen and beginning to whip up some soup. I pour the cup and a half of water into the pot and watch as it simmers.  
  
"I talked to Takeru today..." I call over to him, mesmerised by the thousands of bubbles; pulsating in the saucepan, "He was going to come and visit yesterday, but Kasaan wouldn't let him, seeing as there was a basketball game..."  
  
I open a package and pour the contents into the pot then pick up a spoon and commence stirring the boiling liquid. "I heard that they won, although I'm not completly sure."  
  
Stepping over to the counter, I pull out a bowl and poured the soup in, making sure not to spill any. I then take the steaming bowl and leave it in front of him with a spoon. "It's hot, so be careful that you don't scorch your mouth."  
  
He obediently lifts the utensil to his mouth and begin sipping away at the broth. Deciding that I wouldn't be needed here anymore, I step out to my own room then walk over to the bed. I lay down on the mattress then dig into my pockets for the little metal instrument.  
  
First I pull out my grey knife and set it down next to me. No...that's not what I'm looking for... where is it??...I know I left it in here somewhere...  
  
Finally, after many wrappers and pieces of garbage were abandoned on the ground, I found it. I lift it up to the light and stare as it shimmers confidently.  
  
My harmonica.  
  
I hold it to my lips then blow, listening as it's notes fill the empty air with a noise that could not be compared to any other. Such a noise, that they had the ability to soothe almost any pain.  
  
It was one of the only modes of escape that I had managed to find; other then the blade.  
  
I close my eyes and began slowly begin to drift off, half hoping I won't be faced with the task of waking up again. My harmonica slips from my worn out fingers and drops to the carpeted floor. Thankfully, I escape into a comforting dream world.  
  
***  
  
I've never done this style of writing; in the present with someone narrating, I mean, so if for some reason I keep writing it in the past tense , please be patient with me...-_-;;  
  
And always remember!  
  
~Reviews are like presents. Nice to give them away, but even better to receive.~   
  
Please review!! 


	2. Contemplation

Well, I haven't updated this fic in too long... I spent like 8 hours typing it yesterday... -__-;; I suck.   
I just have to say now, this chapter was hard as hell to type. I *hate*, I repeat, *HATE* Sora, so this was actually painful to type. Anywho, moving on.  
  
***  
  
Your skin;  
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,  
Turn into something beautiful,  
You know, you know I love you so,  
You know I love you so.  
  
  
  
"Hey, Sora..." I say while waving energetically as I run over to where the beautiful mistress stands. I have my arms outstretched but once I saw the look on her face I let them drop back down again. She appears as if she's ready to go on a mad rampage.  
  
"You're late *again*! I thought that you promised you wouldn't be anymore..." She's tapping her foot like crazy on the brick floor with an expression that seemed fit to kill.   
  
"Sorry..." I say gradually with an edgy voice, "I didn't mean to... I tried my best to get here on time, but you know something came up..." I take a step closer and gently start to pull her hair out of her face. She maintains her disapproving grimace, but I can tell that she's enjoying it. I know inside that it's taking all her will power not to smile.   
  
"I guess I could forgive you this time..." She replies idly while staring with fake fascination at the sky. "But next time..."  
  
"What 'next time'?" I retort while leaning over and kissing her smooth and fragrant neck. "It won't happen again... I'll make sure... alright?" My hands wander down and creep around her waist while I'm talking, pulling her body closer and allowing me to admire the smirk that had begun to display on her lips.  
  
She tries to shove me away a bit, playfully of course, and says through a giggle, "Not here, Tai...People are going to stare at us..."  
  
"Fine by me..." I say with a grin, "I'm not about to try and stop 'em..."  
  
She finally decides to stop squirming and enjoy the moment, sinking deeper into my arms with a calm sigh of relief.   
  
"So, what was so important that you had to blow me off?" She asks impishly while twisting her fingers through my hair.  
  
"I didn't blow you off..." I say defensively, "If I had blown you off; then I wouldn't be here now, would I?"  
  
She moves a bit from my grasp then asks, "Okay, what was so important that you had to be *late*?"   
  
I inhale deeply. She had me there.   
  
"Oh, it was nothing..." I reply carelessly, hoping that she wouldn't continue to ask questions; "I just stopped to talk to Matt for a bit... not anything important..."  
  
Sora seems as if she was trying to figure out something in her mind, then inquires, "And?"  
  
"And- what?" I continue breathlessly, "We talked- I asked him if he'd like to come somewhere with us..."  
  
"Did he say yes??" She says again, though not taking her eyes off of me. I hate when she does that. I makes me feel like she can pry into my brain and somehow tell exactly what I'm thinking. I swear, it's inhumanly possible to lie to that girl.  
  
"What do you think?" I respond. "He turned me down before I had even finished the offer. I don't understand it- he's been so distant, and I can't tell why."  
  
"Maybe it has something with his father..." She comments. "You know they found out that he has lung cancer..."  
  
"Yeah." I answer suddenly. "I know. I was there when he found out. Remember- when he needed to get a ride to the hospital so I drove?"  
  
Her head bobs up and down while she nods in comprehension. "Maybe that's why he's been-"  
  
"No..." I interrupt again while looking away from her and at the floral scenery nearby. "It's something- bigger then that... though he won't just explain what it's been... Hell, I've tried talking, but that won't work. He denies everything."  
  
The auburn haired girl beams at me, as if she knows something that I don't.  
  
"What??" I ask impatiently while bearing down on her, "Why are you looking at me like that??"  
  
"Oh, nothing..." She says, lifting her index finger and poking my cheek mischievously. "You just look cute when you care..."  
  
Not being to resist for any longer I bend down and let my mouth strike hers, sending shivers down both of our spines and a sentiment of passion through my veins. A gentle breeze sifted through my hair, making it so that the only emotions that I can possibly feel are relaxation and contentment. I resolve to try and stop worrying about Matt, and relish the instant at hand.  
  
***  
  
I swam across,  
I jumped across for you,  
Oh what a thing to do.  
  
  
  
A sheet of darkness had taken over the sky as night slunk over the city of Odaiba. After awakening, I had made sure dad was all right then spent the rest of the day slacking around the house. I had cleaned it enough that he would be able to get around the apartment when I wasn't there- though I don't know why he would. He seems pretty content in his bed with a packet of cigarettes.  
  
Those goddamned cigarettes.  
  
I hate them. I hate them more then I can put into words. I loath seeing them, smelling the awful odor of their smoke; even hearing about them had the ability to enrage me. They had taken such a big impact on all of us.   
  
Once Takeru and Kasaan had heard about the -cancer- they tried showing their sympathy. Calls were more frequent and they visited a lot more too. I suppose I don't mind, but it's all so artificial. They didn't pretend to care before we find out. Takeru had always loved dad and tried to spend time with the both of us, but after a while it began to fade. He still comes around of course, but not half as much as before. That is- until the doctors called them. Now both the Takaishis seem to be at our house all the time.  
  
Don't even act like you love him, Nancy. You don't. I used to think you did, but then you showed how much you hated him and *me* after the two of you were divorced. I missed you, but now I don't anymore. At least- not as much. All the feelings of regret or melancholy that plagued me were soon replaced with anger and hostility. I don't mind the woman, but I'm not sure I love her.  
  
Love:  
It's such a weird emotion, and you often don't know that you had it until it's gone.   
  
Sure, I *had* my mother there for me, making meals, telling me how much she cared, even things as small as applying medication to my cuts and wounds.  
  
I glance down at the slashes demonstrated from my arms. Hey, mom, think you have any band-aids in your first aid kit big enough for these?  
  
Didn't think so.  
  
And what about you, Gabumon? If you knew how I was doing, would you care? Do you even think about me now?   
  
It's kind of strange. I promised you that I would let people into my mind and tell them how I'm feeling; yet nowadays everyone asks how I'm doing, but I'm too tired to tell them.  
  
You'd think that they might've given up now, seeing as I haven't given them a straight answer for what- 3 months? Something like that. Tai's still trying, and so is Takeru. They put on their little happy faces and ask me if I'd like to go to nice places with them.  
  
But I'm always too drained. I hate going out now. I hate going where there will be other people to stare at me and judge me. I just don't want to spend time with anybody.   
  
Well, actually, that's a lie.  
  
There is somebody that I wouldn't mind spending time with; but unfortunately, they're already taken.   
  
Sora Takenouchi, do you ever pause to wonder how I'm doing?  
  
Probably not. You've got Tai now, it's over between us. The memories are still fresh in my mind even though I've tried countless times to forget. You're not mine to think about; you belong to the leader of our pack.   
  
And here I am, stuck as the lone wolf, while the rest of you have each other to depend on. I don't know why I haven't talked to them; every one of them have tried to get through to me. But it hasn't worked. I just don't want to explain things to them anymore. They think they can tell what I'm thinking, but they can't. They can only imagine. And even then, they probably can't see what I have to go through.  
  
Everything; slipping out from under you. It's like- you're standing on a foundation, with pillars underneath to make sure that you won't fall.   
  
But once and a while, something will happen, and one of your pillars will snap and fall to the ground. You've still got others to protect you, but for how long? How long will it be until they're all gone, and you've got nothing left but to plummet to whatever's waiting for you on the ground?  
  
It's a question I hate to think about. You can't blame me, either. Who *does* like contemplating about something like that? It's like asking 'How long until I die?' An answer that you don't want to know, even though it might explode in front of you at any time.   
  
First my dad- then her... I have a feeling somebody upstairs doesn't like me.   
  
I sigh as I look out the window at the billions of stars that shimmer and glisten in front of me. It reminds me of the earth- there are hundreds of people you'll see every day, but how often do you stop to think about that one individual? How often will you stop to think about one tiny stare and how it came to be there?  
  
The phone rings so I pry myself off of my bed then snatch the phone from my dresser. Yeah, I have a phone in my room, mostly because I'm the only one who uses it, seeing as dad doesn't talk that much, period.   
  
"Hello?"   
  
I listen to the voice and the breathing on the other side. It sounds mostly like Jyou.   
  
"Hey..." I answer languidly. I don't really feel much like talking right now.  
  
"Yeah, hey," He replies quickly. "I was just calling about your father- I'm helping my dad a bit tonight, calling people and whatnot, and it turns out he's about due to get treated again."   
  
"Meaning what?" I ask in a bored tone.  
  
He pauses for a moment but regains himself. "Just bring him down to the hospital tomorrow and then he'll do the rest..."  
  
"Alright."   
  
We both stop for a while; he obviously doesn't know what to say. I know I'm being a pain in the ass, but I'm beyond caring anymore. Jyou's a good guy after all and it's not like I have anything against him. We just hadn't talked for a while. The only reason he calls me is to tell me about dad or school, or stuff like that. I had never been as close to him as I had been to Tai and some of the others.   
  
"I guess I'll be going now..." He says slowly to both of our relief.  
  
"I'll see you around." I answer, and then we both hung up.  
  
Yeah, turns out I've lied again; my chances of seeing *anybody* soon were pretty slim. School was turning out to be a place where the kids could see me for a while and interrogate how I was feeling, though I've never said much. And now, I've even started to skip to get away from them- and everything. I don't want to be here- I don't want to be there- I don't want to be anywhere...  
  
I collapse back onto my bed, smelling the comforting scent of the familiar sheets and beginning to count the stars. Eventually I'm lost in another dream and praying with everything I have that I might be able to escape from my life and into it, instead.  
  
***  
  
Cos you were all "Yellow,"  
I drew a line,  
I drew a line for you,  
Oh what a thing to do,  
And it was all "Yellow."  
  
After waking up to see Kari and the sun beaming at full blast, I topple out of bed and got dressed, then advanced to the table where I started on breakfast. I'm allowed to take my time, seeing as today's a Saturday.   
  
I pick at my eggs while guzzling down my orange juice and staring at the atmosphere around me. My mother's standing over a frying pan making a frenzy of hash browns while my dad sat in the chair next to me, reading the newspaper. Kari, being the early bird she is, had left long ago to go meet Miyako and Iori near the corner store. I think she said that she'd be back around noon, but I'm not completely sure.   
  
"I'm going to go down to the park..." I call to my parents, "I told Sora I'd meet her there in half an hour..."  
  
"Half an hour?!" My mom exclaims, spinning around to face me while letting the potato patties simmer, "But that's plenty of time! Why on earth would you want to leave so early??"  
  
"Trust me, mother..." I say with a sigh, "I've been late so many times, that if I were to do it one more time, she would kill me. Literally."  
  
I could see my dad smirking from behind the paper while he said, "I've never had *that* happen before..."  
  
Mother dearest just crosses her arms, then rolls her eyes sarcastically. "Tai, the park is only five minutes away, you've got plenty of time..."  
  
"Yeah, but-" I start, "I promised-"  
  
"Meaning-that you'll have an extra fifteen minutes to start picking up around your room..."  
  
"Mom..." I moan, trying to get out of it, "I-"  
  
"Hurry up..." She continues with a laugh, "I'm just kidding... Now go on and meet your girlfriend..."  
  
"Thanks!" I cried cheerfully, then bounded out the door, while leaving my plates and cutlery cluttering the table.  
  
"Tai..." She groans with her hands on her hips, but I pretend that I didn't hear, and go out the door.  
  
***  
  
Your skin,  
Oh yeah your skin and bones,  
Turn into something beautiful,  
And you know for you,  
I'd bleed myself dry for you,  
I'd bleed myself dry.  
  
  
  
I cringe a bit from the sudden burst of pain that exfoliates through my skin and watch as the blood dances over the blade and off of my wrist. My eyes are shut so that I may derive every moment from the experience and engrave into my brain. It's like a high, only better- you're there; conscious, able to sense everything that's happening. The touch of the red fluid sliding off of me and into the sink, the bitter yet sweet scent of the blood that floods into my nostrils; so strong you can almost taste it in your mouth. And the sight of your exposed flesh, that creates a tide of sentiments with the ability to override you while pressing down upon the cut.  
  
I open my eyes again to see that my hands look as if they've been painted with a bright red paint. Deciding it's time to rinse, I reach out an arm to turn on the tap when suddenly I hear the doorbell.  
  
Caught off guard, I let the knife slip and feel it piercing the skin over my hand.  
  
"Fuck!!" I cry out, still fumbling with the tap and trying to turn it on. My fingers kept slipping from the blood, making it impossible to actually turn the valve. Finally, I try using both hands at once, and I abruptly feel the water trickling over my surface. Automatically, I slump down from the blast of ease that the liquid gave, then remember that there was still somebody at the door.  
  
I try to just ignore it- but then I hear to hear a short click, and then someone coming in the entrance.  
  
"Hello??"  
  
I recognize the little voice all too well. It's Takeru. For a moment I don't know how he had gotten in, but then I remember giving him a key a while back just in case he wanted to come by and see dad if I wasn't in.  
  
"Shit..." I mumble in irritation, grabbing some toilet paper and pressing it onto my wrists with all my force. It hurts- like hell- but I had to get the room cleaned up before he comes close enough to tell what's happening.  
  
"Matt?? Dad??" He yells, his footsteps coming closer and closer to the door.  
  
"Uh- yeah, hey T.K.!" I reply to him, knowing that if I don't say anything, he'll probably just hear me making a racket in the bathroom. Lucky for me, the door's locked, but I'm still frantically trying to figure out what to tell him.  
  
"Hey, Matt!" He answers good-naturedly, "Uh- where... are you??"  
  
I struggle to make all the blood flow down the drain while replying with fake vivacity, "I'm in the bathroom... Go sit down in the living room and I'll be right with you, alright??"  
  
"Okay..." he replies, while I listen intensely to the sound of him walking back to where I had sent him.  
  
I watch the clear solution wipe the blood from my dagger, until I decide it's sanitary, then close it and shove it into my pocket. Making sure that my edges of my shirt covered the slashed contours, I check a final time to ensure everything is in order, then step out.  
  
"Hey..." I say tediously as he directs his attention from staring at the wall and back at me.   
  
"How've you been?" He asks cheerfully with his blue eyes radiating.  
  
I play with my fingers, still feeling awkward, then reply, "I'm fine..." Judging from his face, I'm sure that he wanted me to say more. Disappointment and Takeru didn't mix, seeing as every time he tries to hide it- he fails.  
  
"And-how's dad doing??" He continues, still trying to look chipper and bright eyed. Sorry, T.K., but I can see right through you. *Nobody's* happy all the time, why bother to pretend?  
  
"He's due for another appointment today..." I say slowly, trying not to think about it. "I think I'm just going to call a cab..."  
  
"You can get Tai to drive you, can't you?" He asks uncertainly, though I'm not sure why.  
  
"I could..." I reply, "But what's the point??" I didn't really want to talk to Tai, knowing that he'd take it upon himself to pry into my affaires.   
  
Takeru looked a bit confused at the fact that I was reluctant to be around my so-called 'best friend', but added, "Why not? You'll be saving ten bucks and it won't take as long..."  
  
"I guess..." I answer casually. "I'll call him a little later... and if he's there, I'll try to convince him to take dad."  
  
"Alright!" T.K. says freely, "I-" And for a reason I can't see, he stops talking and stares at my wrists. "A-are you alright??" He asks cautiously, "Your-arm looks like it's bleeding..."  
  
"Oh that~!" I exclaim, covering my hands from view instantly, looking more jumpy then I intended to, "That's just a paper-cut I got a couple minutes ago... I was- writing something..." I smile to seem more inconspicuous, so he decides not to persist.  
  
"Look..." I add, "I'm just finishing my-homework right now, so I'm sort of busy... I'll call you a little later, all right?" Of course, I wasn't being entirely honest, but he didn't have to know that.  
  
"Okay..." he says finally, though looking a little hurt from being tossed aside for *homework*. "I suppose I'll talk to you then..."  
  
He gets up and begins walking to the door, then says, "Tell dad I came by- alright?"  
  
"Yeah, okay..." I reply, "I'll be sure to mention it to him..."   
  
Even if I didn't find pleasure in having people come by to sympathize, I knew that dad liked knowing people cared enough to stop by. I guess I would too.  
  
"Bye, Yamato!"  
  
His voice echoes through the hallway as he steps out then treads down to the elevator.   
  
"Bye, Takaru..." I say in a bare whisper, then walk back into the apartment and begin preparing dad some lunch.  
  
***  
  
That was actually longer then I intended it to be ^_^;; Peachy and Miam.   
AND REMEMBER KIDDIES!  
~Reviews are like presents, Nice to give, but even better to receive!~   



	3. Scars; old and new

And it's that time again! I'm sure all of you are quite familiar with the drill… This chapter was fun to write, except the parts with Sora. At those times, I usually felt like- oh- what's the word? Ah yes. SPEWING. Good God, Tai, what *WERE* you on!? I also jacked up the rating because- well, little kids who *aren't* weird upstairs probably shouldn't be reading this.  
  
But enough with the babbling and Sora bashing! On with the fic~!  
  
***  
It's true, look how they shine for you,  
Look how they shine for you,  
Look how they shine for,   
Look how they shine for you,  
Look how they shine for you,  
Look how they shine.  
  
  
"Tai- put your hand over--….yeah…like that… and just--…." Sora moans in pleasure while reposing in the grass; her dress being saturated by the dew from the previous night. Her giggling rings out to the people passing as I begin running by hand up along her leg and into her skirt. (OOC: ew...I'm going to have nightmares...)  
  
I savagely thrust myself on top of her, forcing myself up against the wet fabric that clutched to her flesh; sucking the skin on her neck passionately. It's odd- once I get started, it's almost impossible to stop again. You're hungry- and all you want is to get more until finally you're too exhausted to do anything else. The only way to please your craving is keep going until that time comes. Her touch against mine, the sense of her fingernails teasing along my surface, just seeing the smile of delectation on her face tells me that she's enjoying it almost as much as I am.  
  
"Harder…" She shrieks, "Come on, Tai…"   
  
Who am I to say no?  
  
Our torsos move in the same rhythm, both of us feeling aroused to the same level. I admit- I've never actually gone all the way with her, but mostly because neither of us think we're quite ready for it…   
  
At least, not yet. She's not the first girl I've ever gotten seriously involved with, but definitely the one that I had -uh… "Been the most places."  
  
Don't get me wrong- it's not like the only reason that I'm dating her is for the physical part, although that's not too bad either, but I really do love the girl. When she's not around, I think about her- when we get into a fight, god, this susceptible of guilt follows me around until we finally manage to work things out…  
  
She's the most important person in the world to me.  
  
It wasn't always like that though. Before- I cared about Sora, and I would have done anything for her. Bought her lunch, consoled her at any given time, hell, I would have dodged a bullet for that girl! I still would, as a matter of fact.   
  
But I also felt that way about someone else.  
  
Yamato Ishida- what happened to you? He was the best friend that I could have ever asked for, and I would have done anything to make keep him happy. He knew it too-… or at least I thought he did. Maybe he just forgot.  
  
Either way, soon enough, he started to fall away from me. I had no idea why- though I sure kept asking. He just stopped talking. To me- or anyone else. He just closed himself up to the rest of the world and everyone else in it. Sort of reminded me of when we were in the digital world- you know, the same kind of behavior. And like last time- I don't know what the fuck to do to stop it.   
  
Try to "Be there for him"? Yeah, I've been doing that for almost a year. So far, that plan has been a bomb.   
I don't know why the hell I'm thinking about it now, but it just sort of drifts back every once and a while.  
  
"Tai??! Are you alright?? Why'd you stop??"  
  
Some of my thoughts probably bled into my performance.   
  
"Sorry, Love…" I say quickly, "Didn't mean to…" Hastily, I go back to letting my voracious hands tunnel into the back of her shirt, running along as if they're going in some unwritten pattern.  
  
Pressing the crease between my legs against hers, I ignored the erection, which had already stained my pants, and flicked my hair away from my starved eyes. Fuck it- none of us care right now. Getting back into my state of lasciviousness took about 2 seconds, and I don't feel like wasting it. There was nothing to stop me…  
  
RING!  
  
Damn cellphone~! It's times like these that I wish that I hadn't wasted a month working for one…  
  
"Mmm…ignore it…" She says with her mahogany hair flashing mischievously in front of me.  
  
I smirk a bit.   
  
"Wish I could…" I reply, groaning a bit myself, "But last time that happened, it was mom and I ended up being grounded for 3 weeks." Gently, I untwist the two of us then I hold her up a bit and let her park on my lap so that I'll be able to pull the little device out of my pocket. Then I speak into the phone, "Hello? Tai Kamiya speaking…"  
  
"Hey, Tai."  
  
I almost knock Sora off of me while exclaiming, "Matt?!? Is that you?"   
  
"Yeah. Don't sound so surprised."  
  
I try to get a better hold of myself. Yeah, I know I must sound like a twit- going off like that for no reason- but trust me, it wasn't that crazy. Matt hadn't called me in- god, I can't even remember how long it's been. Ages…  
  
"Hey, Matt, I'd love to talk, but I'm sort of-"  
  
"Just shut up and listen. It won't take long."  
  
I open my mouth to say something more, but I'm not given the opportunity. I don't mind much though- anything that came out of my mouth would have probably sounded dumb or neurotic.   
  
"Look- I need a ride tomorrow. I've got to take dad to the hospital. Think you could make it over?"  
The way he speaks seems so unnatural. Just fractured pieces of sentences instead of full lines that might actually be able to *tell* me something. Of course though- there's no way in hell I'd admit that to him. It's just that I never know what the hell is going on in his mind. "You've got it…" I say promptly, "What time?"  
  
"Around noon."  
  
"Okay, no problem." I agree, "I'll see you later then."  
  
"Yeah. Bye."  
  
Again, I'm not given the chance to say my farewells either, I just hear the brief clicking noise that tells me that he's gone.  
  
I don't understand it! His behavior around me is so- cold! I feel like I did something to turn him this way, but I don't have any idea what it is. If I made a mistake, I'd apologize, but I have no what I could have done. Thinking about it sends this shock throughout my veins- like a bullet piercing my heart as if it was made of paper. There's got to be something I can do to make him open up to me- but what??  
  
"Tai?"  
  
I turn back to face the warm though concerned eyes that are staring inquisitively at me. "Yeah?" I ask, not bothering to try and pretend that I'm feeling better than I am. Sometimes I do that- act as if things are all right, even if they're not. I learnt that trick a couple years ago at summer camp. You kind of get stuck with duties like that if you're the leader. Having to grow up before you want to- stuff like that.   
  
"Are you okay? How is he?"  
  
"I don't- I don't know…"   
  
I can't really answer either of the questions, as I'm not really sure.   
Am I okay? Who am I to say? Yeah- I should be fine, but I sure don't feel it. He's supposed to be my best friend- but can he say the same about me?? What kind of friend am I if I'm not even someone you can confide in?   
And how is he?? Oh, he's just as fucking fine as he was ten minutes ago. The only reason he gives me a goddamn ring is so that I can drive his dad somewhere. Whoopie. Note the enthusiasm.   
  
All I want to do right now is curl up somewhere and just cry for a while.   
  
Sora must've seen the look on my face, as she's now got both arms around my neck. This time it's not a "come-here-so-I-can-screw-you" hug, but more of the kind that someone would give you if your dog had died.  
  
"Thanks." I murmur. I bet I don't sound that grateful, but I am. And she can tell, too. That's one of the great things about her- she's always aware of how the rest of us are feeling.   
  
She just winks, then helps me up. It's sort of obvious that the moment is gone, so we make an unsaid mutual decision to just walk. I wrap a jacket around my waist so that the- uh… 'stain' isn't so visible, then begin following after her. I don't know where to- and I don't care either. Just as long as it's with her. It doesn't hurt as much when she's around.  
  
***  
  
Look at the stars,  
Look how they shine for you,  
And all the things that you do.  
  
  
God, am I a dick or what?  
  
I could even hear his voice cracking over the telephone transmissions- he hated having to listen to me like that. I don't know why I insist on being such an asshole do him, it's not like it makes me feel any better- and it's not like it would take a lot of extra effort to just be nice either. But sometimes I can't.  
  
Yeah, maybe I'm still bitter, and yeah, maybe it's a stupid thing to hold against someone else. What can I say?  
  
I fumble with the phone and force it onto the receiver, gazing outside at the kids down below me, most of them playing soccer. Kind of reminds me of when we were little.  
  
I guess you're probably wondering what brought around this change to want to suddenly drop the friendship and let it be mangled beyond recognition, so it's only fair to tell you.  
  
It's been about 3 months since I've gone out with Sora. It's not like I didn't want to anymore, or that I don't want her- even now.   
  
I just hurt her too badly the first time...She wouldn't be able to withstand another emotional blow like that. It would literally crush her. What had happened that night is still illustrated in my brain; playing over and over again. Of course, it was my fault that the whole relationship was destroyed, but still...I don't know...I wish I could have known what to do to prevent it.  
  
It all began in the first little while that I started getting really involved with the band. I had been constantly hanging out with some 'friends', as they liked to call themselves, of the group, and as a consequence repeatedly turned up late for any of my appointments. Dentist checks, doctor's examinations, dates with my girl, you name it.  
  
She began to get worried and would constantly ask where I had been and why I was late *again*. But despite her persistence, I wouldn't give in. I just kept on making excuses and told her not to worry about it. I should have stopped right then. My health was deteriorating- becoming addicted to alcohol and assorted drugs tend to do that to you.  
  
One night, Sora finally let her consciounce get the better of her, and decided to follow me out one night. Maybe not the smartest move on her part- but hey. I guess she was distressed.  
  
Unfortunatly my 'allies' found her before I did and prepared to beat the living shit out of her. They were really going to sever her body into pieces… And I couldn't do anything about it. Fear had frozen me until I was in a state of paralysis.   
  
So, what happened? Was she beaten to death?   
  
  
No...  
  
Her night in shining armor swooped in and rescued her. *Tai* had showed up and drove her to safety. She had come out absolutely unharmed physically, but mentally was another story...  
  
The cruel words still echo through my ears. It's like they've been burned into my mind.  
  
"If you had just told me Matt, none of this would have happened! Why were you hanging around those idiots anyway? Why do you insist on leaving me in the dark all the time!?"  
  
"You wouldn't understand..."  
  
"Maybe I could if you'd just *tell* me~!"  
  
"Look Sora, just drop it..."  
  
"How can I drop it! Either one of us might've been killed! And all you can say about it is 'drop it'?"  
  
"You don't get it...I need to have my privacy-"  
  
"Matt, your privacy and letting me know why you can't show up for one fucking date, are two different things! If it wasn't for Tai, I might be dead right now~!"  
  
"Oh then why don't you go out with *Taiiii*?" I hissed the words in a mocking tone, though I don't really remember why. Jealous, I guess, though I didn't really have a reason to be.   
  
"STOP IT! WHY WON'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?!?!!!"  
  
"Okay, okay, I'm listening. See my listening??" I leaned over in her direction with my hand next to my ear as if she was whispering and I needed aid in hearing her. "Can you see me listening yet??? DO YOU SEE ME LISTENING YET!?!?! God~! How can I work properly with you peering over my shoulder all the time-"  
  
By now we had both began screaming and tears were flying from her poor eyes.  
  
"DONT YOU GET IT MATT!? I CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S WHY I FOLLOWED YOU! I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO GET HURT! WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU GRASP THIS CONCEPT??"  
  
I backed off a little.  
  
"I'm sorry Sora...I've just...never been very good at being truthful all the time. I feel like there's always *something* that I have to be hiding..."  
  
I put my arm around her and pulled strands out of her face to comfort her, but she just kept going...  
  
"I can't do this..." She sobbed into my shoulder, "I can't go through this any longer...We're too different Matt...I can't see you any more if you can't even talk to me. We're going out- we're supposed to be a couple! But you're afraid to tell me things?? Are you afraid of how I'll react- or what? I need to know if there's something hurting you!"  
  
"S-So what are you saying?" I had asked, afraid that I already knew the answer.  
  
"I'm-" She paused. "I'm sorry, Matt… I hate to do this…but all I can do now is to break it off. I'm so sorry. I just can't handle this anymore...it's too hard on both of us! You know that, Yamato~!"  
  
"No…" I pleaded quietly, *my* eyes starting to water as hers were. "Please Sora, no…" I began begging quietly, she couldn't be serious- could she? "No...We can fix it, can't we?...I'll try harder...I really will..just please don't end it..I love you, Sora...I really do.."  
  
At this point I had kissed her neck softly but she had pulled away instantly, a lot angrier than I had expected. She forced her palms against me and began pushing away.   
  
"STOP MATT! You're making this harder then it has to be! Can't you see that I'm in pain too? I can't take this..." She looked around feverishly, staring around until she found the door. "I need to get out of here..I-I-I need to leave..." She jerked up, grabbed her bag, then headed towards the exit.  
  
She was getting up to go- leaving me alone with my tears. I tried to follow her, but she had spun around, crying harder then ever, and let her hand crush against the side of my face. "Stop it, Matt! Please, stop it! God, Don't you see how much this is killing me??"  
  
But it couldn't have been hurting her half as much as it was destroying *me*. It tore me up- and I cried hard for weeks after. I had been to one to destroy the only good thing in my life.  
  
She had gone to Tai after that, and from then on that's how it had been...Tai and Sora...Sora and Tai. The perfect couple. The thought of it just makes me want to cry all over again. Seeing them together- it's painful. Sometimes all I want is to just black out so I don't have to watch them.   
  
Suicide? Nah, I'm not that far along the line. I could say some crap like- "I've got too much to live for…" even though in truth I don't. One of the only good reasons is dad- without me they'd probably shove him into a home.  
  
And then there's T.K.   
  
If I left him- just like *that*, he'd probably end up hating me forever. I don't know why I care so much- I guess I'm just afraid of screwing him up by doing something stupid. Whether I give a damn or not, he'd probably miss me, which I don't want. Besides, I had already fucked up that kid's brain enough, the least I could do is stick around and pretend that I'm happy while I'm watching him grow up.   
  
Whatever.  
  
  
I'll just play pretend. I'm good at that. Pretending that I'm happy- pretending that I'm carefree- pretending that I *don't* feel like crying every five minutes. It seemed to work before, why not now??  
  
Clutching my digivice tightly in one hand, I occasionally throw it up into the air, then try challenging my brain by catching it afterwards with the other hand. I try to perk up. Gabumon would have a fit if he saw me acting like this. I look absolutely pathetic.  
  
Either way- it's late, so I decide to bring dad his lunch. Then maybe I can go sleep for a while. I know, I know…sleep now? During the middle of the day?  
  
Why not?   
  
It's better then hanging around here in reality.   
  
***  
  
Look at the stars,  
Look how they shine for you,  
And everything you do,  
Yeah, they were all yellow.  
  
  
After getting home later that night, I played Monopoly with Kari for an hour or two until she managed to own every property on the board and sucked all the money out of my storage.  
  
Then I went and grabbed something to eat and brought it into my room, then locked myself in there for a while.  
  
I'm sitting on the side of my bed now, eating something that I think is pizza, though it's always sort of hard to tell at my place. Mom isn't exactly the best cook- she believes that flour is some a sort of little plant that grows in the front of our apartment.  
  
Sora left for her place a while ago, then called me to make sure I was alright. See? Who else would care enough to do something like that? Everyone believes I'm 'tough' or 'macho', but sometimes it's nice to know that someone gives a damn how you're feeling, even if it is only once in a while.  
  
Kari also wanted to know what was wrong with me, though I still don't see how she figured out that something was up. There's something unnatural about how she can *always* tell if you're being bothered. Unlike me- when I was little and told me something was bugging them, I'd probably chuck a soccer ball at their head and tell them to snap out of it.  
  
I stare over at the computer perched on top of the desk, a little red light blinking from it every once in a while.  
  
How long has it been since I last got to see you, Agumon? You visited in the real world a little while ago, but other than that, seeing you just seems sort of like a memory. A blurred picture in my brain.   
  
Curiously, I get up off of my bed and hold my digivice up to the light, inspecting it with my vision.   
  
It looks like it's in okay shape- a little dirty- but other than that, it seems fine.  
  
I guess I'm just feeling bored, or maybe a bit interested, but either way- an engaging idea pops into my mind.   
  
Normally I don't encourage going into the digital world alone- someone always ends up getting partially squashed or almost destroyed… But it would only be for a little while. A visit- I guess. And I don't plan on doing anything but paying my digimon a visit. It could be that I'm sort of lonely at the moment, either way, I felt like having some company, and who better to see than somebody who spent most of their life waiting for *you*?  
  
The only problem was that I would have to use a digivice belonging to someone who was part of the younger group of kids. Lucky for me, I happened to be living with one.   
  
I slink over to her side of the room, pawing through her backpack. Good god, the child is organized. It's no wonder that all the teachers love her…  
  
Finally a little pink object comes into view. At first I get the idea it's a calculator or something, but after scanning it more carefully, I note that it's really what I've been looking for. I quickly dive my hand in and grab it, clutching it as if entranced then hurrying back over to the computer.   
  
"DIGIPORT- OPEN!" I don't really mean to yell it, just incase Kari gets suspicious and tries to get in, but I'm not sure if it works otherwise. I've never tried.   
  
I feel the old sensation sucking my body into the computer, a weird stimulation as if you've been dropped into water then remain suspended in it- unable to touch the floor or anything else around you. My hands dangle anxiously at my sides until finally I land on the ground again with a loud thud.  
  
Shaking my head wearily, I look around a bit at my surroundings, then search for the little orange dinosaur. The vast multicolored trees stretch out on both sides of me, as well as the bluish pink grass.   
  
"AGUMON!?!?" I shriek into the empty air, though I'm not given any reply.   
  
Maybe this *wasn't* the best idea. This parallel world is huge- trying to find someone in these circumstances was sort of- hopeless.   
  
I pocket Kari's tiny machine and promise myself to take good care of it, beginning to walk in what seemed like north. Its sort of hard to tell when you have absolutely no idea which way you came in, which way you're going, or which way you've been.  
  
Walking along for the first while wasn't so bad, I guess, but after what seemed like hours, my feet began to feel exhausted. Yes, I am a champion striker in soccer, but that didn't mean that I can go miles without collapsing on the ground and dying from dehydration.  
  
When I had left my room, it had been approaching night- around 8 o'clock.   
  
Now the sky had changed from a sweet shade of marmalade and lavender to a navy blue that corroded everything in my atmosphere. The plants didn't seem so friendly anymore, and the little amount of light that had decided not to leave was beginning to trickle away before my hazel eyes.   
  
The area around me wasn't like a jungle anymore, but instead sandy and archaic- I'm surprised that there weren't tumbleweeds blowing into me every two minutes.   
  
I don't really know why I'm still going, but I guess it's cause I have no urge to turn back yet. I have a feeling that this might come back to bite me in the ass, but it's not like anyone will care at the moment. As long as I'm there for breakfast, mom won't notice…  
  
It has to be about midnight now, back at home, and I wish that Agumon would just hurry up and show himself so that I could turn around and head back to my warm, soft bedroom.  
  
Come to think of it- which way *is* back?? Isn't it-… Aw, fuck.   
  
I'm lost.  
  
Well, there's no reason to try going back now, I'll probably end up running around in circles. If I'm not back by- oh, the end of next week, maybe someone will come in and look for me. Hopefully, they won't be as dense though, and will actually take the time to figure out the *right* way before they come running in.   
  
I sigh.  
  
I truly am an idiot.   
  
Usually when I'm directing others, I take more time to think out what we're going to do. After all- if you screw up, they take the blame. They're the ones who have to worry about getting incinerated because of your stupid blunder. When I'm alone, I don't have to think about that as much- but that means that I don't think up to that degree- period.   
  
Am I imagining things- or do I actually see something up ahead?  
  
I start walking towards it, even though it's probably just an illusion, and chances are that I'm going to fall off of some big-ass cliff, then drop into oblivion.   
  
It looks like some sort of well- or something, though I'm not totally sure. What the hell is it doing in the middle of nowhere? Then again, what the hell am *I* doing out here, in the middle of nowhere?  
  
I step over closer, deciding to see what's inside. Once my fingers touch the rim of it, they retract immediately. God, the stone is freezing… Strangely enough, if you look down deep enough, it seems like there are two blocks missing. One of them's got an impression in it like the crest of- knowledge, I think… and the other one is…   
  
…Friendship?…  
  
Yeah, this seems vaguely familiar. I remember the two of them telling me where they had found their crests- this seemed like an appropriate place for them to turn up.  
  
The more I concentrate on the markings, the more I want to reach down a hand and touch one. Childish, I know, like a little kid who wants to 'touch the pretty shiny bauble.' I delicately let one of my hands slip along the side of the well, though suddenly there's some fierce light blasting at me.  
  
What the hell?!  
  
An earsplitting scream escapes my parted lips as I topple down, clutching the areas near my hands. My wrists-they feel like they're burning~! Except it's worse- as if they've been sliced the shreds…  
  
I hold them closer to my body, trying to make whatever it is stop. I can't see any blood, but I can sense it- slipping cautiously down my arms then off again. It doesn't make any sense-… I try to touch them- to wipe away the imaginary liquid, but it doesn't work. "Stop it~!" I cry to no one in particular, "God, please stop it~!!!" Nothing I'm doing seems to be helping, but I can't stop moving. It's too fucking painful…  
  
Yet again, another perturbation erupts from my skin, but this one doesn't hurt as much. Actually- it feels good. Another transparent fluid dribbles over the tender areas, cool and relieving- sort of like water.   
  
I stumble back over to the rock structure, though it's like I can't control my feet. The sand catches hold of them and drags down. My knees sink into the awaiting grains of dust. I attempt to stay upright, but I feel dazed and my frame refuses to do what I order it to do. There's a sharp cracking noise as my head chips the side of the construction, and a jolt to my skull. I begin to teeter until I eventually slide onto the flocculent ground. Another stinging sentiment passes over me while I can barely see ahead. I hear a faint clicking noise from below and I hold up the source of it so that I figure out why.  
  
My digivice?  
  
It's now flashing and blinking at a rapid pace, but the thing that surprises me even more is the picture that's now displayed from it.  
  
It's a crest- though not mine…  
  
I don't understand… This symbol belongs to Matt- not me.   
  
Maybe it's confused… That's the only excuse for it…  
  
But how do machines get confused??  
  
I'm not allowed to think about it anymore, as my head descends onto the ground where I'm free from the piercing of my skull.  
  
***  
  
I came along,  
I wrote a song for you,  
And all the things you do,  
And it was called "Yellow."  
  
  
One of the most painful parts about the whole operation was trying to peel the tissue off of the wound without letting it burn too much. I have become a professional at this, therefore the prickling doesn't hurt anymore. Hell- nowadays it doesn't impale me as much as I wish it would.   
  
I'm a son of a bitch to the world anyway- I deserve it.  
  
I clean the beautiful knife, careful not to injure any part of it then folded it up and slipped it back into my pocket.   
  
Everything in my surroundings hint that it's night out- the coruscating sky, the murky shadows, even the amiable breeze that sifted through my blond hair. I can taste the frozen air circulating around me- tempting my lips to try and take a sip of the wind.   
  
Out of nowhere, I feel a stabbing sensuous wrenching at my head. I jerk to the side, trying to escape it, but it doesn't stop. There's this tiny tickling solution crossing my forehead that I try to rub away with my index finger, but it doesn't do anything. I moan in agony, though careful to keep my voice down. The last thing I want is for dad to try and get out of bed in his condition…  
  
There's another whirring noise that suddenly hits my ears, so I turn round to face it. I can't see anything though, until I gaze down upon the little mechanism in my pocket.   
  
What's wrong with my digivice?!? It looks like it's short circuiting…   
  
I shake it a bit but it just continues to flash insanely. The throbbing in my head is only getting worse, though I don't comprehend where it came from… If it had been a headache, I could have absorbed it, but it didn't feel anything like that; more like someone had taken a gun and tried shooting me in the head.  
  
I'm trembling like crazy now, so I try to stagger back to my room, ignoring the sweat and unreal blood that was secreting from my brow. My vision is alleviating swiftly and I can barely tell what's in front of me. Getting to my chamber proves to be harder than I thought it would be- as I keep on stumbling into walls and assorted crap that's lying on the floor.  
  
I catch myself whimpering a bit from the anguish and instantly stop. God, I'm acting like a wuss… There's got to be some logical explanation for it…  
  
I'm probably just sick.  
  
Yeah, that's it.  
  
A new bug going around.  
  
Nothing to worry about.  
  
These thoughts were a temporary justification for the irrational events that were occurring.   
  
I don't like any of it, but I have no idea what else to think. There could just be something wrong with me… Or maybe I'm just imagining all of it. Maybe this is all just one big illusion.  
  
But then again, that wouldn't explain the grave severing feeling.  
  
I open the door to my room, flick on a lamp, then head over to the closet where I pull a bottle of Tylenol out and pop two of the miniscule pills into my mouth. There, that'll probably get rid of it. I'm sure it'll be gone in a couple of hours- maybe even a few minutes.  
  
I knew I was just kidding myself, but I hit the light switch anyway and crawled over to my bed and settled underneath the covers so that I could be alone with my suffering.   
  
I didn't fall asleep for a couple hours, each minute that crawled by allowing my interest to further explore the question:  
  
Where the hell did that pain come from, and why in God's name won't it go away!?!  
  
***  
  
Now… wasn't that interesting? I didn't originally plan to do that, but it fits in with what I have arranged next anyway. XD  
  
And remember kiddies!!  
~Reviews are like presents! Nice to give and even better to receive!!~  
( I'm serious! Please review! Even if you think it sucks!! [gibbers] ) 


	4. Dispositions

Another chapter! :D This ones shorter than the last, but it has bitch fighting! Bitch fighting bishonens! [insert maniacal laughter here]. So, on with the rampant slappi- I mean fic.   
  
Oh, and to anyone who was confused by the last chapter [ I'm looking at you, Saria-the-green-haired ;) ] don't worry, it *will* make sense soon enough, I promise!  
  
***  
So then I took my turn,  
Oh what a thing to have done,  
And it was all "Yellow."  
  
  
I wake up to the wafting smell of tea and assorted medicine scattered around me. As I pry open my eyes, it doesn't take long to figure out where I am. The closed blinds, the clothes strewn throughout the floor, and the familiar feeling of my commodious bed sheets all indicate that I'm back in my room. But- how??  
  
I don't even have to ask; the face of my digimon soon pops up, grinning. "Hey, you're awake!" he exclaims cheerfully.  
  
The second that he says this, the door opens and Kari flies in- clutching a cup and saucer in each hand while wearing a pink apron- sort of like the one Matt used to wear- and a harsh expression on her face. "Good- you're up~!" I think for a moment that I might have been wrong about her being angry over something, but she cries instantly, "What the heck were you thinking!? Going into the digital world alone!? When we found you, Tai, you were unconscious and bleeding to death!! What happened?!?"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
Yeah, I know that I sound like a dope, but I really don't have any idea what else to say. I'm afraid that I might have to wait through an uncomfortable silence, but she continues.   
  
"Agumon found you near an old well, then changed into Greymon and dragged you back here! How he managed to digivolve is a mystery to me, but he did, and you've been asleep ever since." Her tone soon drops from the frustrated irritated one and into another that is softer. She sits next to me on the bed and seems to calm down a bit after breathing heavily. "I was so worried…" She says with her voice cracking, "You looked terrible… You're head was bleeding so much and you're face was paler then I've ever seen it before. I was too scared to tell mom and dad what happened, so we just harbored you in here for a while, hoping that your condition might improve."  
  
I'm not really listening now, though I probably should be. I don't mean to seem rude or anything, but I've got something else on my mind.  
  
"What time is it?" I ask, searching for my alarm clock, but with no avail. Five bucks it's stuck under my mattress again.   
  
"Uh- about eleven thirty… Why?" She replies, glancing at her watch briefly with a confused simper on her face.   
  
"Shit!" I shout louder then I intended to, and begin lifting off my sheets, scooting over to the dresser and pulling out a pair of jeans and a top, "I'm late…" I motion for Kari to get out- I mean come on, who *wants* their little sister to see them changing? But she just stares with an air of confusion.  
  
"Don't tell me you're going out now…" She says, sounding more like my mom than a younger sibling, "You're not in any condition to-"  
  
"It's important." I interrupt, stepping over and grabbing her manually then walking her over to the door and shoving her out. "Normally, I would just let it go, really I would Kari- but I promised him that I'd be there..."  
  
"Yeah, right…" She mutters while I slam the door on her. I guess she's let her curiosity get the better of her once she asks, "Who?" I heard her saying from the other side of the door, but I continue struggling to get my shirt on and act as if I can't hear. Once I've managed to get that onto my chest and smoothed it out so I looked *a little* presentable, I tugged on my pants then checked my hair in a mirror. Kari's put this massive bandage over my forehead, which I try to peel off despite how much it stings, then go out again.   
  
"What's with you-Tai, you've got to give it time to heal!" She asks in a worried voice.  
  
"Alright, alright… I'll put something on it… But I can't at the moment…" I reply, in what I hope sounds casually, but am forced back into my uptight state as I grab the car keys then tear out the front door. I can hear her yelling something at me though I don't have the time to stop and listen. "See ya, later!" I call and begin sprinting down the hallway and to the stairwell. I slide down the banister, ignoring the yelling of a mother who begins to rant about 'how I'm setting a bad example for her children'. Sorry lady, but I'm in a bit of a rush.  
  
Once I reach the bottom of the staircase, I fling the door open and race into the garage of the apartment where the car is sitting, untouched. I run over, not bothering to watch for puddles or other dangers on the concrete, then unlock the auto's door and climb in. My hands seem to have a minds of their own as they crams the keys into the hole, while I watch the lights all blink on at once like the motor which begins purring zestfully. I get a glimpse of the clock above me, and note that the time is now 11:50.   
  
Fuck… I told him I'd be there at noon…  
  
I fidget around with the handbrake then ram my foot onto the accelerator, almost hitting the wall in front of me and but backing up just in time. Keep in mind- if I trash the car, my dad will probably have my head on a silver platter.   
  
Trying not to speed is hard once I actually get onto the highway, even though it'd be difficult with the heavy about of cars surrounding me on each side. Getting *anywhere* in Odaiba can be impossible sometimes… I keep glancing up at the timepiece, irascibly watching as each second ticks by.  
  
I admit- I'm usually not this one of those maniacs on the road who get into accidents about six times every month, but today is special. I promised him I'd be there…   
  
Normally I wouldn't care, but lately I'd jump for a chance to have him want me around. I know that I sound like some pathetic puppy, following him everywhere, but I just-… I don't really know how to put it without sounding like an idiot. I guess I miss being around him… Before- when we were 'friends', I never had to worry about it, but now it's like he- he hates me… and everything about me. I don't bother to try to understand it anymore, but God, it still hurts. Even if he doesn't intend for it to. Heck, he probably doesn't even notice.  
  
Damnit, I'm getting all sentimental again. I have to save that stuff for Sora…  
  
I pull the brake hastily as the light switches to red and I tap my fingers on the sideboard in an exasperated fashion. Hurry up already, will you? Damn lights… Finally it changes again and I force my foot down on the pedal again, shooting away from the other cars behind us.  
  
Soon enough I'm at the large apartment building, parking the car in a tiny parking space in front. I get out then lock the door, jumping out and running at full blast up the stairs and to Yamato's home. Once I get there I begin knocking on the door indignantly until at last, I hear someone's footsteps coming over to greet me.  
  
I watch as fragile fingers begin to pry the door open slowly until he spies who it is and swings it forcefully. "You're late…" He says, eyes glinting with disapproval.  
  
"Sorry…" I apologize immediately, "There was- I uh- slept in…" It was half true…  
  
"Whatever."  
  
The famous Yamato Ishida quote said while he stands in the doorway with his eyes rolling sarcastically in that famous Yamato Ishida way.   
  
"Uh… We'd better get going…" I say, trying to avoid the silence that was beginning to creep over our conversation, "Do you want me to help you get your dad into the car?"  
  
"He's not a fucking cripple, Tai." He jeers sharply, "He can walk."   
  
I wince from the sudden remark, but try to regain myself. "Yeah… I'm sorry…" I say quickly, "I didn't mean it like that…"  
  
"You're only here because we need a ride." He shoots coldly, "That's it. I didn't call you because I want to get all buddy- buddy with you; I called because I thought that you might have the decency not to pry into my business and just get me where I want to go."  
  
My hopes of getting him to-oh, I dunno- at least having a satisfactory discussion- are instantly crushed. That's all I am to him- some goddamned cabby. Fine then- I don't have to take his crap if that's all I'm here for. I'm the one doing *him* a favor, not the other way around.  
  
"Then hurry the hell up…" I say, frigidly, "If that's all you want, then just get him downstairs. The sooner that he's loaded into the back, the sooner we can leave." I don't bother to wait for his reaction, but instead storm out the door, outside, and back to the van.  
  
***  
  
Your skin  
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,  
Turn into something beautiful,  
You know, you know I love you so,  
You know I love you so.  
  
  
"Come on, Dad…" I say slowly, going into his room and helping him out of bed. He coughs a bit as I pulls the covers off of him and wrap a jacket around him in it's place. "We're going to the hospital, you have to get treated again…" His eyes concealed a pitiful assumption grief as I held his shoulder and tried to support him. He's been sitting in bed for so long that his muscles are degenerating into nothing…  
  
I attempt to abandon that thought to the back of my mind, and trudge over to the front door. I probably should have taken Tai's help when he offered it, but now that I've turned him down like *that*, I'm not about to go running after him. You see- Matt Ishida doesn't like to 'say sorry'. Maybe a couple of years ago, sure, but not anymore… It's against my nature.  
  
I pull him out to the hall and walk slowly until we get to the stairway. It takes a time span of about 20 minutes to do it, but as soon as we get out there, Tai's still wearing this look on his face like he's ready to go try and massacre someone. He honks the car horn in perturbation causing my temper to rise.  
  
"Calm down…" I hiss while opening the back door and helping dad into the backseat. I check to be sure that his seatbelt's on properly then get into the front-chair myself. Making a point of it not to stare at the big haired one, I gaze outside instead and listen as the car motor begins to hum and turns left, heading towards the hospital. The streets aren't as deserted as they normally are, after all it's Sunday morning- not many people are 'up and about'.   
  
I can feel my eyes glaze a bit- and the only thing I can see is the reflection of the side mirror and in it, Tai's tanned face. He looks about as happy as I feel. I still don't know why I let him get to me so much; it's just that everything he says tends to rub me the wrong way. He probably doesn't deserve the abuse, but hell, if he doesn't fight back, it's like inviting me to see how far I can push before he snaps.  
  
He doesn't know that I'm watching him, and I force down a chuckle as I watch him open his mouth then close it up, over and over again, obviously trying to think of something to say.   
  
"What happened to your wrists?" he asks, snapping me from the dazed state.  
  
What the- how did he know?!   
  
I shoot a quick glance at my arms and see the edges of my bandages being displayed from my shirt. Hastily, I pull away and hide them from view. "It's nothing…" I say, shielding myself, "Just something I did while making dad supper…The knife slipped."  
  
I see him take a moment to stare at his own skin- running on finger over the veins. Probably glad that his were intact. I let my eyes wander along his face and then up to his brow where I stopped for second to ask, "And what about you, Tai? Someone plant a soccer ball in your head?" I expect him to fire a quick comeback at me, but he doesn't.  
  
Instead he just freezes on the spot and says, "No… I just-" He pauses a second before adding, "…I walked into a door."  
  
"Smooth…" I say with an attitude, though it doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell that he's lying. Scanning my own forehead, I realize that his cut is in the same place that I felt that-headache-after I finished slitting my arms yesterday…  
  
Weird.  
  
"Matt?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
I spin back to face him, not really being able to comprehend the expression that he's using. Sort of like a cross between determination and extortion.   
  
"We miss you…" He continues softly while staring out at the road in front of him like I'm not even there, "…All of us do…"  
  
I don't say anything. Am I supposed to? I'm not left time to worry though, he just keeps going.  
  
"There's no point pretending that we've all forgotten about you, Matt, because we haven't. Isn't it obvious we're still trying!? T.K. comes over to your place almost every day and you *always* blow him off for one reason or another~!"   
  
"Oh God, Tai…" I say sarcastically, "It's not hard to see that the only reason he comes over is to visit dad. He couldn't give a damn whether or not-"  
  
"Come off it, Matt~!" He replies abruptly, with a touch of ire in his voice that was raising a mile a minute, "Why are you so anxious to prove that you don't need us anymore!?!"  
  
I sit in my seat, still having trouble thinking of what to say next. I haven't talked to him like this for a while. Except it seems different now. How can he say all that?? He doesn't know how I'm feeling. He can't even *imagine* how I'm feeling~! It's like- he's yelling at me through a glass wall, staring, *thinking that he knows me*, and telling me how I should live my life!  
  
"What the hell gives you that idea!?" I shoot back, "Just because I don't-"  
  
"Quit lying to me, Yamato~!!!" He screams, causing me to edge away a bit in my chair. "I try to talk to you- but you refuse!! Why!?! I'm still the same person as before!!"  
  
"Well, maybe I'm not~!" I yell, glaring furiously. "Maybe things have changed!"  
  
"What's different!?" He asks. "Why can't you at least give me a straight answer!? I-"   
  
"You want to know what happened?!" I intervene immediately, "Then I'll tell you~! The friendship is *dead* between us, Tai~!!! Get it?? Dead!! It's *gone*!"  
  
Even though he sounds annoyed and angrier than anything else, I still manage to hear the hint of sadness that's evidently there. It's like he's- taking my character change as a personal insult… And even though I didn't mean for it to affect him that much- I guess I had slipped in that category.   
  
Yes, even though I'm a jackass when I want to be, I still have a bit of a heart, in spite of how much I'd sometimes like to get rid of it. "Look…" I say in a much more delicate tone of voice, "I didn't mean to sound so harsh… It's just- we're different people now… I've got myself to deal with, and jobs, so I don't have as much time for you guys…" Some of it was true.   
  
"What-?" He says, still sounding like his vocal chords are going to explode, "So what you're telling me, is since you don't have any time for us, you want to blow us off completely??"  
  
"That's not what I said!" I shriek defensively, "But I've got other things on my mind! My world doesn't revolve around the rest of you, you know!!"  
  
"I didn't ask for that…" He protests, "I just wanted to know why you've been making excuses to get away from us."  
  
"I just told you~!" I say with my frustrating building again, "It's not to get away from you- it's just that I've got jobs to dangle between and- then there's dad-"  
  
His face still looks like he's about to break down and start crying as he shouts, "Is that it!? Goddamnit, Matt! You've got your life to live, you can't waste it all on your father~!"   
  
I begin to retort something in reply but he interrupts me by mumbling, "It's not like he's got anything left… He sits in bed all day- I mean, what sort of life is that?? You're lying to yourself, Yamato, and you know it deep down, too. You're dad's going to die just like all the doctors say he will, and there's nothing you can do about it."  
  
He just hit a nerve.  
  
Well, more like- hit a nerve, tempted it for a while then tried to sever it to pieces.   
  
I'm on him so fast that he barely knows what's happening, crushing him with my weight, holding the collar of his shirt in my hand and using the other fist to clench in front of his face. I can see him trembling in terror with this look on his face like a puppy whose about to be kicked. I doubt he's ever seen me this upset. Sure, we used to fight when we were kids, but that was different. And we both knew it.  
  
"If you *EVER* say *ANYTHING* like that -again--…" I say in a bare whisper, "Or else you won't live long enough to tell any one else about it. Got it-Taichi--?" I flick a piece of his hair just to harass him, then listen as he begins stuttering a response.  
  
"I'm-I'm sorry…" He pleads, "…I really am…I just-"  
  
"Save it." I say, stopping him midway through, "I don't want to hear you're *fucking* excuses. Now- hurry up and get us to the hospital before you say something else that might end with you getting your sorry little *ass* kicked. Alright?"  
  
He's silent, which was probably good for his sake. Personally, I wouldn't have minded trying to punch him, but then I wouldn't have any way of actually getting to the hospital. I repose back into my seat and redo up my seatbelt, then assume my position of staring outside at the people walking by.  
  
Several minutes pass until I catch his voice again.  
  
"Matt- I-"  
  
"Didn't you hear me?" I snap ferociously, "I just told you to shut- the- hell- up. And I meant it, too. So, try doing yourself a favor and keep that big mouth of yours *closed*."  
  
By now I didn't care if I was 'hurting ickle Tai's feelings'. He had crossed a line, and he should have been well aware of that before he said it. It was weird- usually when I fight him like that, he gets the upper hand easily, this time- it sure didn't work out that way… It was probably just because I was upset…What was he trying to do- screaming something like that!?! The little son of a bitch…   
  
I turn around to check on dad and notice that he's sleeping. He looks so peaceful that way.   
  
Hell, he looks peaceful doing pretty much anything now. He doesn't talk much. I don't mind though… Instead I do the talking for both of us. It's sometimes hard to tell if he's listening or not, but I think it makes us both feel better if one of us is saying *something*.  
  
Don't worry, Dad, I know that you're all right. Yeah, the cigarettes have taken their toll, but other then that, he's okay… Just tired. There's nothing wrong with that. And with the amount of work that he used to get done at the office, that made sense. He just needed a vacation.  
  
That's all it is. He's just taking a well-deserved break.  
  
Pretty soon he'll be up again- just like before.  
  
Soon enough we're at the hospital- but sure not fast enough. The rest of the car ride had been spent in a thick silence.   
  
"Come on, Dad…" I say, pushing him gingerly in order to wake him up, "Time to get up; we're there already…" His mild black eyes blinked in confusion, but smile once they see the fake expression of tranquillity in my face. I help him out of the car, the whole time with Tai standing there gaping at me like an idiot. He kept trying to spit out apologizes, but I just kept on piercing his phrases once they were halfway done, and then attacking verbally once again.  
  
"I-I'll come on…" He says slowly, still shook up from before. I instantly cast him a death glare and he cowers back a bit. "Or not…" He decides to just sit in the waiting room while dad gets treated again. I can never remember the name of the drug, but it's usually pretty fast. We go in- we spend a couple minutes- and then we leave.   
  
Dad and I walk in first then trudge over the receptionist's desk where I announce that we have arrived, and she assured us that doctor Kido would be with us shortly. Yes- as you might've guessed, that's Jyou's father. To my surprise, I feel a quick tap on the shoulder and rapidly turn around to see that it's none other then the blue-haired guy, sporting glasses, himself. He smiles and stars rambling on and on about 'how nice it is to see us again', and that sort of bullshit. Of course, I don't believe a word of it but Jyou's a good guy so I don't hold it against him.  
  
After noticing that I'm not the most talkative person in the room, he goes over and begins speaking to Tai, whose no doubt a lot warmer than I am. Pretty soon though, the doctor comes in drags dad away with him and a couple extra nurses. I'm not in the mood to try and make small talk with the others- *especially* not Tai- so I bury myself in a magazine instead and block out everything and everyone else in the room.  
  
***  
  
Me oh my, Matt came off as such a bitch there… :D eh well. Angst is angst!  
  
And before we leave,  
Remember kiddies!  
~Reviews are like presents! Nice to give, but even better to receive!!~  
Kindly review!  



	5. Denial...

So... tired... I don't think I have the energy to write a little opening message, so I'm going to just send you straight into the story. A warning now, t'is very graphic and bloody near the end of the chapter...  
  
  
***  
I swam across,  
I jumped across for you,  
Oh what a thing to do.  
  
  
  
I wail a bit, looking inconspicuously at Matt out of the corner of my eye.   
  
That's got to have been one of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life. What was I thinking!? I regretted the words as soon as they had left my mouth and had starting whining apologies. Of course, that hadn't been enough and soon he had gotten on top of me, threatening like there was no tomorrow.  
  
I can't say I blame him- I mean, if I was in his situation, I know I would have done the same thing, or worse. He continues glancing up from his magazine, not bothering to say anything. I don't hold it against him, though I still feel like an idiot for announcing it as I did. My fingers wander thoughtfully over the stack of tattered magazines on the stand next to me, treading like an explorer   
  
"Hey, Tai…" Someone says, causing me to stare away from the blond boy, "What's the matter? You look like your best friend just died…"  
  
After I take the time to focus properly, I note that it's Jyou; his freshly polished glasses glinting at me from the light. "And I would know…" He continues, looking around edgily at the people nearby.  
  
"Hey…" I reply in a stoned voice. I try thinking of something else to say, but I can't.   
  
"You're here with Matt, right?" He asks, raising an eyebrow and jabbing a finger in his direction.   
  
"Yeah." I say blandly. Not the most original answer, but I've still got this terrible twisting feeling climbing over my stomach, which kind of works as a diversion.   
  
  
"Yamato Ishida? The doctor would like a word with you…"  
  
A nurse emerges from the palpable doors with chewing gum occupying her mouth and flicking her pen upon her clipboard as if there was somewhere else that she'd like to be. He got up and shot a look over in my direction then steps over to me. I can tell by the expression on his face that whatever he's going to say won't be something that I'll benefit from.  
  
"You can go home now." He says dimly, "We don't need a ride anymore."  
  
"What do you mean??" I ask quickly, "How're you supposed to get-"  
  
"I'll call a cab." He replies tersely while dodging his gaze from me and shooting back behind the nurse and following after her through the exit. I'm tempted to go after him, but Jyou eyes me as if saying 'Don't you *dare*…' Though I don't really understand why, I obey.  
  
Once Yamato has evacuated the room, the doctor's son comes over and asks, "Geeze, what happened to him?? I know he hasn't been the- uh… "perkiest" of people, but that's nothing new… what happened?"  
  
I'm not in the mood to reply, so I just shake my head and murmur "I don't want to talk about it." I think it was better than saying, "Wouldn't you know it?? I told criticized him for trying to take care of his dad, then told him the only family member still with him is going to *die*! Isn't that great."  
  
He just shrugs and reaches out a hand to help me up. "Here-" He says, pulling me to my feet, "Come- walk." I didn't see any objections, so I walked after him, past the dingy waiting room full of people and into the hallways.   
  
"He's probably just stressed…" He says after we're alone in the corridor, "I mean- you know what's going on with his dad…" I feel my stomach well up, causing this sensation that makes me want to vomit.   
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Dad called him up partly because he thinks that- well, Matt's still a teenager…" He continues, looking at the ceiling as if guilty for something, "He's got enough on his mind without his dad there to worry about too…"  
  
"So, what are you saying?" I ask, shaking a bit. The thought worries me for reasons that I can't comprehend. Probably regret still eroding at my intestines, but there's not much I can do about it now.  
  
"Well…" Jyou says, probably deploring that he's said this much, "They just want Matt to be able to live his life, not being dragged down all the time."  
  
"I guess…" I conclude, though I don't really know what going on in his mind- nor do I want to. "Well- I guess if there's no reason to be here- then I should just go…"  
  
"You sure you don't want to stick around?" He asks as I turn around, "He might need somebody to lean on and- you are his best friend…"  
  
"Are you kidding?" I say, trying to fake a laugh but having it come out more like a choked wheeze, "I'd probably end up making it worse…"  
  
***  
  
"Hello, Yamato."  
  
I step into the office where Dr. Kido's sitting down in a large, comfortable looking chair. The whole place is coated in fancy artwork and different pieces of antiques scattered on top of intricately painted cabinets and shelves. Sunlight poured in to the room, washing over his body like a gush of water, warming his skin.   
  
"How are you today?"  
  
"I'm alright." I reply. Yes- even in the presence of someone more important than myself, I still manage to act like a jerk. I don't mean to though- I mean, this guy is responsible for my father's life- it's probably best that I don't get off on the wrong foot with him.  
  
"Please, take a seat…" He says, motioning to the furniture in front of him.  
  
"No, thanks. I'll stand." I reply, wishing that he'd just hurry up and get to the point. I'm not here to listen to the polite babble, I just want to hear his report- or analysis on dad.   
  
He seems a bit taken a back by my answer, but having three sons of his own- he obviously doesn't hold it against me. "As you're probably wondering…" He says, gently, "I've brought you here because I'd like to talk to you about your father."   
  
I nod a bit, with a numb sentiment crawling over me.   
  
"Well- you know that progress has been slim lately, and he still hasn't managed to say much in the last while."  
  
"I know…" I say quietly. "It's just that-if you give him a little more time, I'm sure that-"  
  
"No, Matt…" He interrupts, "You see- we don't have anymore time left… We all know that, and the rest of the staff and I think that it would be best if we-put him into a home."  
  
"That won't be necessary…" I say swiftly, slapping a brief smirk onto my face, "We're doing fine at home and-"  
  
"Come on, Yamato-" He pleads, "Please try and be logical. You're just a kid- you've got too much on your plate…People your age aren't supposed to be left with that much responsibility."  
  
"Oh- it's nothing I can't handle…" I say, trying to cover up again, "And it's not like money's hard-I've got a band and-"  
  
"How long do you think you're going to be able to live off of music?" He asks, peering at me as if deep in thought. "You've got to buy money for the both of you- pay the rent- buy prescriptions; it's too much for someone so young."  
  
"Look- I'm not stuffing him into some damn nursing home." I say, burning into him with my words. "It's not like he's hard to supervise. I can handle the situation on my own."  
  
He stares at me with difficulty. "But for how long?"  
  
I'm beginning to become aggravated with his amount of persisting. "And what do you plan to do with *me*?" I ask bitterly, though I'm pretty convinced I know what he's going to say.  
  
"Well, your mother was saying that she'd be willing to take you- that is, if you wanted to go."  
  
Bingo.  
  
"Why can't I continue living in my apartment?" I demand, "I'll handle the rent on my own, and then paying for my own supply of- you know, vittles shouldn't be that hard to find."   
  
He looks at me with what I think is pity. It's hard to tell.   
  
"We'll have to see." He says, shuffling the papers on his table. I think he had tried to rehearse what he was going to say, though in truth it didn't come out very well. "In the meantime, go home. Take a break for a while. You look like you need it."  
  
I stomp out- with my vision being overrun by red and anger bubbling up from inside of me. Why did *everyone* think that they had to order me around?? Yeah- I admit, the world's not always a piece of cake, but that doesn't mean that I need people hanging off of everything I say or clutching my hand all the time.  
  
Each step I take towards the exit causes my rage to augment more and more until finally I hit the front door with my fist and-  
  
Feel somebody else's hand upon my shoulder.  
  
"Hey, Matt…"  
  
I spun around to face the same wild brown eyes that I had encountered before, but this time they were- softer. I swiftly lift my arm and snatch his fingers off of my muscle. Nobody touches me.   
  
"I-…"  
  
"I don't want to hear it." I stop him in mid sentence, "The only reason you're saying anything is because you feel guilty for what happened before. Okay- you're forgiven. I don't give a fuck. Now get the hell out of here before I'm forced to try and knock you out again."   
  
"No- Matt…" He says in a conscious tone, "It's not that- I just… I heard what happened."  
  
"So?" I ask sharply, "Going to try and tell me 'I told you so'?"   
  
"Please- I'm serious…" He continues, "I wanted to say that if you ever need anybody to- you know… talk to… then I'll be here to listen."  
  
"Thanks- but no thanks." I reply, "I've got other ways to deal with my problems instead of trying to reason with a sniveling brat-" I got up a bit, then flick him as I echo, "--like you."  
  
I know it's taking everything he has not to fly out and try to punch me, but he keeps his cool. Instead, he just extends his hand as a sign of goodwill, though I refuse to take it and continue out the door, holding up my hand for a cab. Once one finally arrived, I got in and left everyone else behind me. Not like they'd care…  
  
***  
  
Cos you were all "Yellow,"  
I drew a line,  
I drew a line for you,  
Oh what a thing to do,  
And it was all "Yellow."  
  
  
  
I went home with this numb feeling spreading over my body like some sort of acid. Damnit- I hate this…  
  
I'm trying to drown myself in T.V. now, though it's not really working. The only things on are soap operas, kid shows, and other crap like that. Go figure- it's just my luck.  
  
With demoralization starting to get the better of me, I pick up the phone and begin to dial. The tone rings once- twice- three times- then finally:  
  
"Hello, Takenouchi residence…"  
  
"Uh- hello…" I say, still in the sensation like one would feel if they were a sinking ship, "I was wondering if I could please speak to Sora…"  
  
"Yes, just a moment please."  
  
As I listen attentively to the airwaves, I can hear the footsteps going to the stair well then- 'Sora!? Tai's on the phone!' And lastly, the sound of her shoes advancing to the receiver. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey…" I say, trying to sound normal but failing miserably, "How're you?"  
  
"… I'm fine…" She replies finally, "And how about you? You sound-depressed about something…"  
  
I sat back and retold all the events that had occurred since the moment that I got up and waited for her reaction. She was even the perfect audience- she'd gasp and moan and tsk at all the right times. By the end she had started repeating the phrase, "Oh, Tai…oh, *Tai*…"  
  
"I'm such an idiot…" I say silently, "I don't even know why I *said* it. I mean- it was stupid, and I should have known that…" I run my fingers through my hair, trying desperately to think of what to do next.  
  
She doesn't really say anything for a while, but just coos gently. "Calm down, Tai… it can't be helped… What's done is done, you can't go back and change it. There's no point beating yourself down about it…"  
  
I sigh a bit. I know that she's right, but it's hard not to beat yourself down after pulling off something as moronic as that.  
  
"You wanna come over for a bit?" She says in her soothing voice, "Just to talk. I have the feeling that you sort of need it right now."  
  
"Yeah- alright…" I agree, "I'll see you in fifteen minutes."   
  
"I love you…"  
  
"I love you, too…"  
  
Click.  
  
I hang up the phone cautiously, making sure that I don't manage to screw that up like I have been doing to everything else at the moment…  
  
***  
  
Your skin,  
Oh yeah your skin and bones,  
Turn into something beautiful,  
And you know for you,  
I'd bleed myself dry for you,  
I'd bleed myself dry.  
  
  
  
I slam the door to my apartment and don't even bother to go to the bathroom sink. The kitchen basin will be fine for now…  
  
My hands lurk into my back pocket where they hungrily pull out the knife and fling the blade into view. It shines savagely and I the suspense is almost killing me- as I rinse it with a quick drench of water and press it onto my hide.   
  
God damn; that was a little -too- hard…  
  
Aw, hell, this day has been absolutely fucked, I deserve a good scar to show for it.   
  
The explosion of pain is more intense then any I've ever felt before- and the energizer shot through me is unbelievable. My eyes are beginning to water immensely… I imagine that it's only because of the sudden jolt, but you'll probably know otherwise.  
  
Its like a drug- For Jesus' sake- it *is* a drug.  
  
They define a drug as something you can get high off of- leaving reality behind. Something that people recommend you don't do because it's *not healthy*. Something that other people will never fucking understand, because they're too happy in their carefree lives to ever notice what people like me have to go through.  
  
Every day- it's like a constant battle with yourself, debating to see whether or not you can survive. But what's the point!? The second that you live through one, you're setting yourself to go and try to live through another. It's like this never ending spiral that just keeps going on and on.   
  
I collapse to my knees with my skin beginning to turn red from the blood and tears staining my figure. Slumping into a ball on the floor, my fingers automatically creep around my legs in a comforting fashion- saturating my clothes even worse then before.  
  
I hate to cry- I don't mind bleeding, but I can't stand to cry. But now that I can actually do it, I hold no expense. If anyone had seen me, chances are they would have laughed out loud from the sight along. I don't know if 'pathetic' is a strong enough word. My whole torso was beginning to look as if it had been soaked by a large pail of red dye. I didn't bother to try and cover up the wounds on my arms- I left them exposed to the world and everything around me. If I can stand to live in it, so can they. With that, I curl myself up even tighter, clenching myself together and rocking gently while waiting for myself to calm down- or at least stop the wailing.  
  
***  
  
Oi, that wasn't supposed to end there, but I couldn't keep going… Not tonight, anyway. I'll try to write some more tomorrow. Thank heaven for summer vacation!!!  
  
~Remember, Sparky! Reviews are like presents! Nice to give away but even better to receive! Please review!~ 


	6. Fatal Incisions

I finished writing this yesterday night but the server was down and it wouldn't let me upload it -_-;; Oh well, it's here now! A warning for readers who don't like blood and gore- LEAVE NOW. This one's a little violent...  
  
  
***  
  
Look at the stars,  
Look how they shine for you,  
And all the things that you do.  
  
I extend my index finger and press the silvery doorbell then wait for a reply. There's a brief jumble of footsteps on the wooden floor until finally I see someone slowly opening the door. None other than the person I came to visit.   
  
"Hello, Sora…"  
  
"Hi, Tai…" She says genuinely, taking hold of my hand and pulling me inside of her house. The whole place is a pleasant area to relax, flowers in every nook and cranny as well as their scent that wafts over into your nostrils, wherever you happen to be standing. All the curtains and floorboards are swept up in a brilliant golden light as well as the flowers that reflect different colors onto the walls.  
  
"Come with me." She continues with a small smile on her face, "We can go sit in the back yard for a while. It'll be nice…" Still having my arm in her grasp, she begins to advance to the deck with me close at hand.  
  
The garden itself is a wonder of it's own. Tiny spouts of water shooting up from the ground as well as the rocks and differently shaded plants that create a tremendous shadow over anyone walking inside. It's always sort of moist and dewy, but with the amount of heat that's been covering Odaiba, I'm not complaining. Sitting in the middle of the colossal plantation was a majestic sakura tree. Her flowers still hadn't learnt to bloom, but they were well on their way.  
  
Sora takes me along near the gently swaying tree and strokes my face with her finger.   
  
"Oh Taichi…" I watch in utter stillness as her eyes penetrate mine, "I don't think he realizes how much you want to be there for him. He doesn't remember what it's like to have people who are willing to care."  
  
"What?" I ask suddenly, looking up, "What do you mean?? How do you know that??"  
  
She nods a bit then replies, "Don't you remember? I used to be one of the only people he believed --loved him." Her eyes seem to shimmer a little more than before- I know it's painful to talk about. She seems so fragile when she talks about something that hurts. All I want to do is be able to protect her from the horrors of our world, and make her feel like she's in another.   
  
I reach up my own hand and pet her gingerly. "Sora… sometimes I believe that you might be some celestial specter instead of human- I find it hard to recognize that there might be someone as perfect as you."  
  
I lean to rest my lips on her cheek, but I'm stopped halfway through.  
  
What the hell!?  
  
Damnit- it's that feeling in my wrists again~!  
  
I instantly cringe from the enormous amount of agony that's singeing my veins. Why is it hurting so much more than last time!? I can't help it when vast streams of tears begin to flow over the sides of my face. I moan loudly, clenching my eyes shut and concentrating on the spot; hoping that the sensation will go away. Sora looks at me in panic asking over and over again what's the matter. I try to say something, but it's hard after the amount of gritting my teeth that I'm doing. Perspiration is dripping down my forehead in anxiety, but I don't know what I can do to make all of it go away…  
  
"Tai?!? Do you need a doctor!?!" She looks so frantic, I just want to put on a smile and say, 'No, hun, I'm fine…' But after all the crying I'd been doing, I don't think I can. Sora's a smart girl, she can tell the difference between crying because your feeling downhearted and crying because your leg's been slashed off.  
  
This time I don't get to the stage where it's like there's water trickling over me. Instead it just keeps going…  
  
Finally though, it slowly begins to die down. The keyword here is 'slowly'. By the time I can stop shaking, the sky has already been coated in a blanket of silvery stars.   
  
She leans on me- still looking a little scared- but softly all the same, trying to cheer me up from all that had happened.   
  
"I think you should go talk to him…" She says while staring up at the moon, "If he talks to anyone, it'll be you."  
"I doubt it…" I reply in a dead voice, "He's just too far gone for us to get him back and-"  
  
Suddenly there's another quick jolt of pain that shoots through me, though this time it's on my cheek. I turn my head abruptly to see Sora with her expression burning with fury and her hair messed up from the sudden movement. Her hand was still in the position it had been once it struck my cheek as she whispered hoarsely, "Never ever say that again, Tai…" She was quivering now from more than just the wind, "Never *ever* again. As long as he's still here, there's a chance that we can get him back. He didn't get 'friendship' for nothing…H-he would do the same for you…"  
  
I have to say I'm deeply surprised at her reaction- Sora's almost never yelled, let along hit me before. Well- playfully doesn't count. "Okay, okay…" I say, letting her rest her head on my shoulder, "I'll try to talk to him for you. Alright?"  
  
"…Alright…"  
  
***  
  
Look at the stars,  
Look how they shine for you,  
And everything you do,  
Yeah, they were all yellow.  
  
  
  
As I stare up at the tiled ceiling above me, I can tell that I'm barely teetering on the boundary of consciousness and unconsciousness. The morning sun shines in at me, though all I want to do is block it out. Sprawled on the couch- I hold up to hands in front of me. God, can barely tell how many fingers I have. Damn vision is so fucked up…  
  
Investigating the floor, my hands find empty bottles of beer scattered near the sofa. Last night I didn't bother to count how many I'd had, but judging from the amount that had been left there- about 4 or five.   
  
  
Jesus Christ, does my head hurt… Especially seeing as I *don't* drink…   
  
That would probably explain why I can't see past half of a foot in front of me, but whatever. It made me forget what I wanted to forget, so I guess it got the job done. My knife was sitting on the kitchen table. I'd used it a couple too many times in the last couple hours… My whole left arm looked destroyed beyond reconstruction. I'm surprised that I'm not already dead.   
  
Not like I'd care though. Hell, I wouldn't be around to care.  
  
I smirk a bit at the thought. But then again, that's probably just the alcohol talking. Maybe if I can get over to my bed, I'll be able to sleep for a while until the sick tingling leaves. I push my hands flat against the chair and try to lift myself up with all remaining strength.   
  
I land with a thump back on the ground, barely able to move. I just feel sore…   
  
I decide that I can't get anywhere at the moment then roll over as far as I can. One of the beer bottles stop me so I try to hurl it at the wall. The only thing I achieve is cutting my hand again and beginning to swear like a lunatic.   
  
Now I'm glad that Sora's not going out with me- why the hell would she want to stick around for a dead beat like 'Yamato Ishida'? I'm no good- I'm like a fucking piece of trash… Why bother trying to fix me up if there's nothing to repair? Everything about me has been damaged. My body's been mutilated by knives and cigarettes, my mind's been corrupted by society and people who just don't give a damn, and my heart- yeah. That's been mangled so many times that I'm in awe that it's still beating.  
  
Thinking about all this, I can't help but begin to bawl again. A squall of tears run down my face as I try to wipe them away in disgust. My arms are too heavy though, so no matter how times I attempt, it just doesn't work.  
  
My eyes soon burn from all the salty water, each drop grinding away at the lids. I want it to cease, but they refuse to obey me. My throat's been all twisted and knotted from the gnarled gasps and now it's getting harder to breath. I lay there in my liquid stained coat, weeping like a little kid.   
  
All my stomach wants to do is start to through up the taste of sour beer, but I can't even get myself up- let alone to a sink. My whole physique screams to get some sort of relief, but I'm too drained to be able to provide it.   
  
Though I don't see why, I debate silently with myself whether I'd rather be there alone, or with someone else to sit and gawk at me. At least that way- I wouldn't feel so completely abandoned.  
  
***  
  
I came along,  
I wrote a song for you,  
And all the things you do,  
And it was called "Yellow."  
  
  
  
"Hey, kid~! Get off the road before somebody hits you~! Moron!"   
  
"What?" I was driven from my state of contemplation only to see angry drivers honking their car horns at me. For pete's sake, get off my back… "Sorry…" I mutter, then step onto the sidewalk and continue to Matt's house.  
  
Sora's talk really helped me to calm down over everything that happened though, of course, I still worry. I can't help that. I really don't have any idea what I'm supposed to say to him when I get there, so I guess I'm just going to have to play it by ear. I think it's a given fact that he's not going to be in a 'talking mood', but I'll have to do my best to say what I can to him. Personally, I'm beginning to believe it's a lost cause…  
  
The sun basks in the sky like a large golden orb, warming everything around it. Even as I feel its rays touching my hair, I can't help but worry about the occurrences to come. What if I actually end up making him hate me even more??? Knowing me, that suggestions looking the easiest…  
  
Before I know it, I'm standing outside the large apartment building for the second time in two days. Well, there's not much I can do outside- though I'm terrified of going in. I sigh in exasperation and pray for the best as I advance up the steps.  
  
------  
  
I stand at the door and cautiously knock. At first it's a small, timid little tap, but when nobody answers, I try again, this time it's harder and therefore louder. I push the buzzer that acts like a doorbell, though that doesn't do much either.   
  
"Hello??" I ask, "Matt?? Are you in there!?" Probably not the best thing to do. After what I said before, I'm sure that he's going to be just dying to admit me into his house.  
  
There's no reply.  
  
"Hey, Matt!" I call again, "Are you in there-"  
  
As I sit there, screaming through a wooden door, I begin to smell the undisguised scent of alcohol. "Matt!?" As stupid as it looks, I press my head against the door and try to inhale more of the odor. I pause there for a couple seconds, breathing deeply, then come to a conclusion. Yeah, definitely beer.  
  
"Matt- if you don't open the door *now*, I'm opening it myself~!"   
  
Not being able to stand being left in the dark any longer, I ram my shoulder as hard as I can against the door, heaving with all the strength that soccer has blessed me with. After I hit it a couple more times, I begin to hear the sound of raw wood being charred. Again- I smash myself up, clamping my jaws together to ignore the stinging and hit it one more time.   
  
At last there's a loud CRACK! and the splintered pieces bend easily once I try to move them out of the way with my hands.   
  
"Matt~!" I yell roughly while letting my eyes dart around the room feverishly, "Where are-"  
  
My foot gets hooked on something and all of a sudden my leg trips smacks onto the floor. Once I get up, I manage to find the culprit for my accident- a stray beer bottle lying in the way.  
  
I take another step, surveying everything around me but when I see the large red mound on the ground, my eyes widen in fear and surprise.   
  
What the hell~!?  
  
I quickly lean over and flip it onto the other side, then let out a small yelp.   
  
"Yamato!?!?" I shriek, lifting his head into my arms and staring at him in shock.  
  
He doesn't do anything- just lies limp in my grasp. I don't feel a heart beat- hell, I don't see *any* signs of vitality. "Matt!?! Talk to me! Please~!" I shake him frantically, though he doesn't move at all. I don't understand- what could have happened to him!? His whole coat was red from blood along with his shirt and pants. The fragile face I investigate in my fingers is covered in the red substance except for long areas along his cheeks that are a lighter color- as if his tears had managed to wash away some of the vital fluid.  
  
"What happened to you, Yamato!??" I ask in panic, choking on my own tears, "Why-" I had been reaching my fingers down to check his pulse, but the second that they felt his wrists, I know what's going on.  
  
I retained it up so that I could look at the injuries that had been done.   
  
The severed blood vessels were almost too much for me to bare- a crimson solution dripping onto my own hands while I tried to suspend him in an upright position. "Matt!!!" I scream with my eyes becoming more dense with water, "Please-- please don't be..." I pause for a moment, unable to choke out the final word.   
  
A petrifying thought begins to establish itself in in my mind. His whole torso looking like it does- there's only one logical explanation... Killers don't just run up to other people and slit their wrists. Nah- that'd be too hard. They just kill 'em on the spot.   
  
Slashing your veins is something that you do to *yourself*.   
  
"H-h-he committed suicide??" I stutter with my whole body shivering, "B-but… no…T-t-hat's impossible…h-he…w-wouldn't have…"  
  
I look around for some sort of cloth or something that I could use as a bandage… I don't care what- anything! I can't think clearly- my hands are shaking at a vigorous rate, making it impossible to do anything properly.  
  
  
"T..ai?"  
  
I fling my head back in his direction to face him, then smile in relief when I see his shattered cerulean eyes staring at me. "I'm right here…" I say briskly, "Don't worry, Matt, I'll get you to a hospital-"  
  
"N..o~!" He glares at me defiantly while trying to appear stern.  
  
"Come on, Matt!!" I say angrily, "God- look at you~! You've got to get medical help *now*~!"  
  
His expression softens as he stares at me in an imploring manner. "I… ca…n'…t……go….to the ….h..os…pi..tal…" The way that he's breathing is starting to scare me; he couldn't seem to take in proper vents of air.  
  
"And why the hell not~!?!" I demand, "You're going to fucking die if you stay out here like this!" He tries to shift his head from my hold, but I don't let him.   
  
"B…e…ca…use…" He starts in a quiet tone, "T..h..ey'r..e…go..i.n…g…to…se..e……ho..w…..fu..ck..e.d….up…I…am…" His face is abnormally pale from all the lost blood, and the flushed areas look like nothing at all.  
  
Okay, and I think it's safe to say that that *wasn't* the answer I was expecting to hear from him. He coughs like he's trying to continue, so I let him.   
  
"H..o..w..'m….I…supp..o.s.e..d….to….ge..t….the..m…to….t..hi..nk…th.a.t…I..ca..n….tak.e….car..e….of….d..ad….if…I….ca…n't….ev..en…ta..k.e…..ca..r.e…of…my…sel..f?"  
  
"Shhh…" I whisper while flicking spare pieces of hair away from his dirty face, "Stop talking… You don't have enough energy… I'm sorry, Matt... I have to call somebody... an ambulance..."  
  
He wheezes on his tears and begs silently, "No.......p.l...e...a..s..e......Ta..i..."  
  
Even though it kills me, I'm forced to ignore his pleas and grab my cell phone, rapidly dialing the number for the hospital. I give them the address and tell them to hurry the hell up, then hang up.  
  
I gaze sadly at the torn frame in front of me. It used to be strong- at times strong then mine. This was the body that thousands of fangirls would have loved to get their hands on. But look at him now. Blood crossing at every possible opportunity and his once bright face now clashed with bitter emotions. It's so-- destroyed...  
  
"Why Yamato?" I ask speechlessly, "Why did you--?"  
  
He doesn't seem able to answer. His whole face is colored with pain and driven while his two hands reach up to try and cover his tears. The two of us just sit there- me holding his bleeding physique close and sensing his scared pulsating up and down with each breath. He just cries into my chest. We wait like this for what seems like hours until the sirens can be heard, coming to take him away.  
  
***  
  
[sighs] I guess it's easy to say I was feeling a little depressed when I wrote this... mneh.  
~Remember Sparky! Reviews are like presents! Nice to give away, but even better to receive! Pleaes review!~  



	7. Consequences

Sorry this has been taking so long… I've been a bit slower writing lately. Don't really know why. Give me a couple weeks, and I'll probably be over it… But seriously, go and read the fic.   
  
***  
So then I took my turn,  
Oh what a thing to have done,  
And it was all "Yellow."  
  
  
  
The doctors have been obsessing about me non-stop ever since I got shipped into the hospital, pumping me with medicine every ten minutes. I had been right in thinking that my hopes of getting them to believe that I might be able to think of dad were instantly crushed the second they saw what I had done. Dr. Kido is going to make me see a psychiatrist as long as I'm in the hospital- but the second I'm out I won't have to listen to what they say anymore.  
  
Tai came in the ambulance with me and I could tell the whole time that he was trying not to start crying just like I was. He held my hand for comfort even though about half way through they put me on anesthetic so that I couldn't feel anything. My mode of letting off steam has everybody worried… They think I'm insane or something. All of them gawk whenever they come to visit- as if they expect me to get out of bed, grab a needle and try to stab myself to death. If truth be-told, I didn't really mean to end up in that bad of shape- it just sort of happened on it's own. I wasn't trying to commit suicide either, it started out as slitting my wrists as I always do. I guess I was just really frustrated at the time. Scared for dad. Everyone says it's a miracle I survived and that after about an hour I should have died. I'm still deciding whether or not I'm glad.  
  
I sit upright in bed, staring outside at the clouded skies and pondering over all that's happened. After something like that- I feel like it should all be over, but it's not. I don't feel any better, just shamed. I had lain on the ground whimpering like a beaten animal waiting for absolutely nothing. I was supposed to vanish from existence on that night, but I didn't. It can make a guy wonder if there might've been a reason for it. I mean, I'm probably just getting all philosophical with no explanation, but I can't help it if I imagine.  
  
I still haven't thanked Tai for coming in when he did. I don't think I really need to though, he comes in and talks for hours sometimes, and I never have to say anything. From just listening to him, I found out that the reason he ran to my place was because of Sora and her worrying. I've tried convincing myself that maybe it was her who had saved me, but it's still not sinking in. I can't tell if I like the company or not- it's still new to me. I'm not sure if I want him knowing that I appreciate the frequent times that he stops by, maybe it's just because I'm afraid of him. Afraid of getting close and getting ripped away again- afraid of being taken from behind by something that he does- afraid of being there for someone else, even when I don't want to be.   
  
I'm pulled from my contemplation as someone knocks on the door gently- causing me to turn my body in the direction of the exit. The nurse walks in holding a clipboard and some flowers which she sets on my table then address' me. "Yamato, you have some visitors…Would you like them to come in?"  
  
'Them'? Meaning there's more than one- so it's probably not Tai.  
  
"I guess you can send them in…," I say in a dazed state, still not regaining myself completely.   
  
The entrance flings open and I suddenly see two familiar faces that both run over and embrace me. First my neck is caught up in a hug by mom, whose soft hair drops onto my face, and then there's the squeeze near my chest that I soon recognize as Takeru.  
  
"Oh, Matt…" She cries, wiping away and stray tears that managed to escape her eyes, "My poor, poor little boy…"   
  
I don't really know what to say, and for once I can't say that I really object to the usage of the term 'little boy'. It feels sort of nice to see her again, ignoring the reason that I'm here. Her grip around me is firm though sensitive…Heh, I guess the only word to describe it would be 'motherly'.  
  
T.K. on the other hand doesn't seem as overjoyed to see me, though he still grabs my hand and keeps this distressed look on his face. Something about it just makes me cringe. He occasionally looks down at the bandages covering my arm in a disapproving manner. Embarrassed, I hide them under the sheets and try to make it as unnoticeable as possible.  
  
"Mom?" He says finally, "Do you think it might be possible for me to talk to him- you know- alone? Nothing personal or anything but-"  
  
She smiles warmly and replies, "No, I understand… Take all the time you need." With that she steps to the door along with the nurse, who seems to have taken a hint.  
  
We sit in silence for a while; I didn't know what to say and him- well, he looked like he was itching to yell something, but didn't exactly know how to say it. His eyes shoot around in what looks like anxiety until he opens his mouth a bit. "Matt?"  
  
"Yeah?" I reply, eyeing him carefully.   
  
"I-" He begins to say, though it appears like he can't end the phrase. Suddenly his expression changes from the downcast annoyed look to one that is weary- almost angry. His two pupils dilate as he shrieks, "How could you, Matt!!!?"  
  
I can't answer- what does he want me to say? How could I 'what'? Ignore him for so long? Pretend that he wasn't there? Blow him off? Try to drift away? Almost kill myself?? Take your pick.  
  
"HOW COULD YOU!?!?!" He screams with his voice cracking. "We wanted to be there for you the whole time!! Mom and I tried to give you some place to go when you were hurt- but you just forgot about us! You should have let us know, Matt, you needed someone!!"  
  
He stops for a moment to catch his breath and I begin to open my mouth to say some sort of excuse, but he interrupts just as I get going. "Tai wanted to help you!! I wanted to help you!! WE ALL DID!! WHY DID YOU LET GO OF US!??? What did we do to push you away!?! We must have done something- now tell me what it was!!!"  
  
Again, I say nothing.  
  
"See!?? There isn't a thing that we did wrong- and yet you still hated us! You hated every one of us, Yamato and with absolutely no incentive!!" His arm jabs my wrist as he grabs it forcefully and lifts it into view, causing me to moan from the sudden movement. "Look what you did to yourself!!" He continues yelling, "Are you proud of it!?! Does it make you happy!?! Does it make you feel any better to run a knife over your skin in hopes that you'll see how much you can bleed!? Is that it!?!"  
  
I wriggle in the bed. What the hell is he waiting for?? Does he want me to start trying to justify everything that's gone on?? Because I can't- no matter how many times I attempt, there's no logical reason for what's happened.  
  
Without warning, he breaks down from the looming position over me and drops to his knees in sobs. I stare at him with my blue eyes penetrating into his. "I- I didn't mean for this to happen…" I say quietly, letting my fingers guide themselves over his hat, pulling it off and roaming through his messy hair, "I didn't want it to go this far… I'm just confused, T.K…" He buries his head into the covers of my bunk. "I swear to God, I didn't mean to hurt either of you…"  
  
"Y-you scared us."   
  
That's all he manages to say before mom comes in again with her hand covering her mouth in a small gasp, then running over to grab the both of us in the fond display.   
  
***  
  
Your skin  
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,  
Turn into something beautiful,  
You know, you know I love you so,  
You know I love you so.  
  
  
"Hello, Sora? This is Tai…" My fingers travel freely along the chord, "I'm going to visit Matt in the hospital- do you want to come with me?"  
  
It's been almost a week since I found him in his apartment, and ever since I've been to see him every day. I guess you could say that I'm still a little worried about him- attitude wise and physically.   
  
"Alright- I'll meet you at the hospital in half an hour."  
  
"Sounds like a plan." I say, "I'll see you then!"  
  
The reason I invited her is because I believe that he should get more human contact than just Taichi Kamiya. I mean, he's probably sick and tired of listening to me rant already, I might as well give him someone else to talk to…  
  
My feet pound along the sidewalk as I try to sprint as fast as I can to my destination, with the wind brushing my hazel hair and sky poisoned with dozens of rain clouds. I'd better pick up the pace before there's a downpour…   
  
Things have calmed down since then, he's under supervision, so I know that he can't go and try to pull another stunt like that. Just thinking about the status his wrists had been in send this river of shivers down my spine. I still don't understand why or how he had chosen to do that, but I guess I'm probably happiest not knowing. On -that afternoon- I had spent the whole night remembering every time that we had gotten together- school, meetings, the car ride; and it all seemed to piece together. The bandages were nothing new to him- No, it had been going on for a while. Trying to make any sense out of it is impossible…   
  
Even now, I can't help thinking that maybe I had something to do with it… The rest of the digidestined and I have gotten together to talk about him and state our concerns- but strangely enough, none of the others noticed it as much as I did. To them, he had just appeared quiet or a little more silent than before- but otherwise there was no personality change that they could see.   
  
But to me- he had taken it upon himself to be rude- cruel even- whenever he got the chance. Like he was pissed off about something.  
  
Maybe I'm just worrying too much.   
  
"Tai! Hurry up-!"   
  
I rotate my head to see Sora standing near the doors of the extensive building, waving at me actively and sporting a large smile on her face.  
  
"I'm coming!" I call, running up behind her and grabbing the other hand while wrapping my arm around her waist. "Let's get inside…" I say rapidly, glancing up at the tormenting skies then pulling her into the building.  
  
***  
I swam across,  
I jumped across for you,  
Oh what a thing to do.  
  
  
  
Mom and T.K. left a while ago- by the end we were all wailing again with tears flying all over the place. I guess we've all settled down a bit, and it's been decided that I'm to stay with them for a while after I get out of the hospital. I'm a little relieved, though it still hurts to know that dad's been left in some remote home for old or insane people- all by himself.  
  
"Matt?" The same nurse as before is stationary at the door again, just before. "You have visitors again…It's that boy whose come to see you everyday."  
  
Tai.   
  
"Bring him in…" I call distantly, still gazing outside at the large green tree near the window.   
  
"Hey, Matt…"  
  
What the heck?? That's a *girl's* voice…  
  
I spin around frenetically to see not only -Tai-, but someone else hanging off of his arm.   
  
…Sora…  
  
I know I'm not supposed to hate him, after he saved my life and whatever, but suddenly all my feelings of hatred and bitter envy come fleeting back the second that I see -her- still in his grasp.  
  
Yeah, you could say I'm still bitching over Sora.   
  
It's stupid really- she'll never be mine to kiss again, never be mine to hold again- but that doesn't mean I don't mind that they've taking the liberty to show how much emotional crap they feel for each other in my presence. I'm tempted to tell them to get a room, but until they actually start to grope each other, I don't think I really have the right.  
  
"Hey, Matt…" Tai says gingerly, "How're you feeling??"  
  
"I-I'm alright…" I echo in a quiet voice.  
  
I don't want either of them in here- I want them both to go away. But I can't just throw them out *now*… I could pretend it's time for dinner or that I'm really tired- or some phony excuse like that, but I doubt they'd fall for it.   
  
God, it hurts…  
  
Seeing the both of them together is like having the scab ripped off of a cut over and over again. Except this isn't a scab, it's more like a scar covering my heart that they keep deciding to destroy at will. Seeing him with her in her arms- it demolishes all my hopes of ever making her see how much I love her…  
  
I feel like crying again.  
  
There's this large wrenching feeling tugging at my core, tighter and with more effort every time. I'm afraid that if they ask me any more questions, I probably won't be able to hold it in, and I'll start blubbering all over the floor. Why Tai- why did you have to choose her?? There are millions of girls out there, why did you have to take Sora Takenouchi??  
  
The two look at each other edgily as if I don't notice and he starts to say, "So, how's the food? Are they treating you alright??"  
  
"You would know…" I spurt venomously, "You're here almost half of the time that I am."   
  
He winces and suddenly there's an expression of tremendous hurt corroding his face, though I don't know why. I've tossed insults at him thousands of times, what made that one any different?   
  
"Sora- I'm gonna go get a soda…" he interjects, "Care to come with me??"  
  
"But I- we-"   
  
He shoots her a quick glance and then she nods and says, "Okay- lets go…"  
  
I'm sorry, but that was the worst display of lying in public that I've *ever* seen. They scurry out, looking humiliated and clutching the other as if it were essential to walk.  
  
***  
Cos you were all "Yellow,"  
I drew a line,  
I drew a line for you,  
Oh what a thing to do,  
And it was all "Yellow."  
  
  
  
For some reason, the second that I went in there with Sora- my chest experienced this wrenching sensation as if something were sucking it into nowhere. Some might've called it heart ache, but I don't understand why I got it… It didn't make any sense. But I don't let it bother me- I've got other things on my mind.  
  
"He's doing it again!" I hiss the second that we exit the room.  
  
"Doing what!?" Sora replies, giving me an unusual look.  
  
I throw a glance momentarily back at his bed and stare as he occupies himself by watching the outside. "He's acting like a jerk again…" I mumble, "It's like he just forgot what happened. I was wrong to think that things were better between us- he doesn't need me, nor does he want me around. Let's face it, Sora, by trying to befriend him again, I'm only pushing him further away."  
  
"Don't talk like that…" She says softly, "Maybe he's just in a bad mood today…"  
  
"Or maybe he's just done trying to be nice to me. If he ever *was*…" I jeer slightly, "He makes it hard to tell…"  
  
"Stop it." Sora says with a piercing look, "You know that he had to try and figure all of this out by himself. He's had went through a lot, and the least that we can do is try to be there for him. We're his -friends-, remember?"  
  
"What if I'm tired of trying to put on a happy face just for his benefit!?" I whisper angrily, "He wouldn't do the same for me!! I'm sick of having to pretend that things are okay just for his sake!! I have problems too- why do *I* have to be the one who says that that everything's alright just to keep him content!?"   
  
"Tai- I know that you-"  
  
"It doesn't even do anything!!" I begin to shriek, "It's not like it helps him at all!! He'd probably be 'more delighted' if he could see me in the same condition that I saw him. Except he wouldn't raise a hand- he'd just sit and laugh at me~!! You know why!?! Because he doesn't fucking care~!!!!"  
  
I've reached a level where I'm screaming, though not intentionally at Sora. But everything I said was true, at least according to me and what I've seen of him. He was right when he said he was different- why did I have to go and try to make a big deal out of switching him back!? If he wanted to stay this way, it wasn't my job to butt in…  
  
"Snap out of it!" Sora spits, "I don't even believe that you know what you're saying!! Of course he cares! Don't you remember anything that-"  
  
"You're imagining things!" I snap, "Things have changed, Sora- we both know it! He's not the same person; he doesn't want us hanging around his head anymore trying to order him what to do!!"  
  
"How do you know that!?" She retorts.  
  
"Because he told me~!" I screech back, "He even -told me…" Both our faces lose the sense of fury and drop instantly to one that projected more sadness. She takes a step closer to me but I push a hand in front of me to block her from me. "Look- I've gotta get out of here for a while. I'll call you a little later, alright?"  
  
"No, wait a second, Tai…" She persists, "Let's talk about it- the three of us…You, Matt, and me…"  
  
"It's nothing you have to get into." I shoot back, "I'll deal with it on my own."  
  
"What??" She cries, "You tell me all of -this- and then you expect me to forget it!? Just like that??"  
  
I can't think of a reply, so I just shake my head then proceed to walk out. I swear- you could have cut the bitterness between us with a knife. My eyes dart over to view her expression of torn frustration, though I'm forced to ignore it as I exit with this scornful feeling contaminating my body.   
  
I never asked for any of this; who died and made me leader? Years ago, the blond himself had shown such interest in being head of our party; and now I'm sorry that I didn't ditch the position when I had the chance. The duties that came with it seemed so overwhelming at times, why was it me who was stuck with them? I was rarely given the chance to act like myself- instead, I was constantly being forced to appear happy or cheerful for the *others*. I was always doing things for the others. Just once, I'd like to have one of them return the concern that I showed them, or at least act like they gave a damn.   
  
***  
Your skin,  
Oh yeah your skin and bones,  
Turn into something beautiful,  
And you know for you,  
I'd bleed myself dry for you,  
I'd bleed myself dry.  
  
  
I can hear every single word of what they're saying, and after a while they don't even make an effort to keep their voices down. What I'm experiencing is a strange mixture of guilt that is yet dabbed with a touch of conniving satisfaction. Yeah, I know, I must be a cruel bastard to find pleasure out of an argument but what can I say? Even if the rules say that I'm not allowed to love her, I still feel a massive rush of emotion crash over me that moment that she enters the same room that I'm lingering in.  
  
She pokes her head through the doorway. "I'm really sorry…" She begins, "But something's come up… We wanted to be able to talk with you a bit, though it doesn't seem like we're not going to get the chance. I apologize…Maybe some other time?" Her whole stature indicates that she's uncomfortable, right from her inconclusive eyes down to her shifting feet.   
  
Yeah- go follow your boyfriend. I could care less. Blow me off for a couple more goddamned minutes with -him-. I don't have to get stressed out over it.  
  
"Okay."  
  
Is that all you want to say to me? I did this all because I still want to be with you; but you're too content with him to see that. Besides, even if you could know what I was feeling, you'd try to forget about it. You've got more *important* things to worry about. Tai, flowers, school, friends, your parents… There's no room for me on that list.  
  
"I'll see you later?" She says slowly. What's she expect me to say? I'm stranded in this damn hospital until they believe that I'm sane enough to go out again without trying to kill myself.  
  
"Sure. It's up to you. I'm not going anywhere."  
  
She tries to put on a timid smile then steps out again, leaving me alone with my only company being the thoughts of rejection and self-pity. I bury my head into my pillow to stop the stinging in my eye-lids and hope that some large energy bomb will engulf me, allowing me to be free from all my problems.  
  
***  
  
[Sighs] Poor Matt, not many good things happen to the guy… But then again, I'm the one who wrote this. :: twitch :: Oi oi… Things do perk up in a bit though. And I did promise you that this was a Taito fic, so that comes too…  
  
…Eventually…  
  
~Remember Kiddies! Reviews are like presents! Nice to give away, but even better to receive!~  
Please review! 


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